Sunday, September 30, 2012

It All Comes Back Around



When I think back to why I joined the Peace Corps I can't really put my finger on what it really was I was applying for. I was working at Red Lobster in Chico, CA as a bartender and living with Ari and we were both basically in life idle, waiting for the next thing to happen. I met a girl and eventually moved around the state while my application got processed. For something as intense to get into as the Peace Corps I'm now surprised that I stuck in there and jumped through the intense amount of hoops they put me through. I had never in life stayed in one spot for 2 years and the Peace Corps was going to force me to do that. It was also going to force me to conform to a system of rules and not give me a choice as to where I went or what I would be doing. I guess that is what I liked about the whole thing. The fact that I would be forced to do something out of my comfort zone. My Peace Corps service has defined me now so I guess it worked. 

After getting rejected the first time because of a medical problem with my heart, I decided I'de try to get the problem fixed and apply again. That's what I did and as I was breaking up with the girl I was with I applied again and this time made it through. I can remember the day we were to swear into our service here in Panama after 2 1/2 months of training. I was home sick, health sick, and thought I had made a huge mistake. I remember sitting in the old US military base where the Peace Corps headquarters is in Panama and crying thinking I made a mistake. I stuck it out and told myself that I would never give up. I have never had so much drive to do something so uncomfortable and unpleasing to me in my life. I honestly compared it to a putting myself in a 2 year jail sentence. 

I remember counting down the days to the months. I made small calendars in my journals and told myself that I just needed to make it to 3 moths and then I would figure out what to do with my life. I told myself that I would never learn spanish and that I would just get by using hand gestures. I was convinced that I had done the wrong thing and that I was going to hate my time here. That I would never get anything done because the last volunteer couldn't get anything done and just knowing that he did not have a good time here made me think that I would have the same. I remember trying to convince myself that there was no shame in quitting because of the massive amount of health problems I was having. I remember locking myself in that hot and dirty room in my first host family's house curled up under the mosquito net trying to find things to do so I didn't have to talk to anyone. It could not have been a worse start and I thought my time was doomed. 

I don't remember the exact day or situation that set it off but I do know that it was with Salomon and that it had to do with his enthusiasm and patience that got me a little excited to be here. I can honestly say that if it hadn't been for him that things here would have been much much different. In terms of my work here and how I felt about the community. It wasn't just the prospect of building a tour from the ground up or creating a chocolate making business with no resources or know-how that got me excited to be here and to really give it a try, it was the fact that people here (mostly Salomon) were genuinely excited about doing it. I remember spending days and days going over plans and numbers with Salomon. Writing presentations for the artisan group to explain what we wanted to do and having meeting after meeting about planning the future businesses. I remember launching the tour and the feeling of the first tourists that paid. I remember seeing the people's faces here after that first money came in. I remember the look on the people's faces that said it would never work and that gringos would never wan't to see just cacao trees. We are now rated the #2 tour in all of Panama on TripAdvisor, have been featured in 4 national magazines, featured in international magazines, and the tour brings in more than $3,000 a month to a group of artisans that were making at most $50 a month collectively before. The Chocolate is a whole different thing and sells itself everywhere it is put.  

Those projects combined with projects like putting up water catchment tanks for houses without clean water and teaching english and technology have really helped me through it all. There is also the people here and the friendships I have made. Without those I would have perished for sure, but the single biggest thing that helped me through it all was understanding the culture and language here. I guess that is why they put so much focus on it during training. Once I learned the language, I started wanting to be here. 

And then there is the fact that for 8 months I got to date another volunteer that meant a lot to me and helped me get through the hard times and gave me something to look forward to every day. 

This place is rough for a gringo. No doubt. The climate, bugs, parasites, and living conditions have pushed my body and mind to its limit. I'm a different person because of it and I see the world in a different light. As much great work I have been credited for doing here I have learned so much more from them than I could ever teach them. I will be coming back in a different state of mind with 3 more years tacked on to my age. I will be coming back to a world with electricity, and cars, and smog, and running water. It will be another adjustment and it will be hard again. This time I can't go back to what I'm used to though. Well I guess I could but I would like to get healthy one day and not have parasites. I'm excited again, and I'm sad again. I know that this time I will be crying as I leave this place and its people that have been so good to me and have worked so hard to build something different and new for their futures. It's going to be hard to leave...

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