F My Health

My health is so fucked its unbelievable. That’s the first time I’ve used the F-bomb on my blog so I hope you’ll understand that I really mean it when I say it. I could chalk up my health problems to the poor diet of TV dinners and soda when I was a child or the endless nights of Top Ramen and pizza when in college, but its not that. It dates back to the day I was born when I was forced to stay in a plastic bubble for a week because of a major heart issue. Until this day that heart issue has plagued me along with everything else. I’m guessing the tropics aren’t helping any of the crazy ailments I currently have and I can almost tell you for certain that the crazy amounts of worms, parasites, amoebas, and giardia haven’t helped my case. And now this. Stuck in a hospital for 5 days while doctors probe and prod me in every hole available just to tell me I now have a chronic prostate problem that might go away in a couple months. In the meantime I have about the energy of a dying rat and my entire pelvic region is on fire. Health rant done.

The Grinder we need

I’ve got less than a month left in my site now if I ever make it back from the hospital and its starting to get surreal. I can’t believe that its almost over. The thought of breathing cool california air and eating meals that don’t involve rice and MSG sounds amazing. The thought of seeing my family and loved ones keeps me going and keeps me pushing to do the best I can here before my time is up. I know that I can leave my community with my head high and just that facts that my community is throwing me a huge going away party and the Ambassador to Panama from the US is coming to visit me next week show me that I’ve done well. In fact, I can honestly say that I’m more proud of what I’ve done here than in anything else I’ve done in the past. Graduating college was a biggie for me considering it took 8 years but nothing compared to this. I know that I’ve changed a lot of lives, saved lives, and given people hope for a better future in my community and being able to see the change while I’ve been there has been one of the most rewarding things ever. 

The grinder that we were supposed to get for the artisan group from mexico didn’t make it and now we are scrambling to find a replacement. I’ve contracted a manufacturer in David to do it and plan on visiting him tomorrow. That is if I can get enough coffee in my system to get enough energy to do it.  

There are many more things I’de like to write here and so much stuff has happened since last time I wrote but the words escape me now. Maybe its tiredness kicking in or maybe its just because I don’t feel like I need to explain everything anymore. Its been a bumpy ride and I know it will take me being in the states for awhile for me to recover but I think it will happen and when that time comes I will be able to fully look back on my service and what I’ve done in it and explain it to others. Can’t wait to see all my friends, family, and loved ones. Its so close.  

Water is Life

As many know, I've been involved in a lot of water projects in my community and others. I've seen groups come in and do a not so great job of helping the locals get clean water and I've seen other groups come in with open minds and work with the locals and doing a good job. Unfortunately most of the groups that come in and try to help actually do either nothing or make the problem worse. The main problem is that many of these groups come in and set up a water catchment system for a house to get clean rain water and don't take into account how they are doing it. Some come with power tools and never even really talk to the home owner. It's like if you were living at home and a plumber came to fix your plumbing and never talked to you, never told you what the problem was, used tools you've never seen before, and left without telling you how to fix anything if something went wrong. This is the reality of most water projects here in the third world.

There is an organization that does it right and I happen to be part of that organization:) Thats right, the good ol Peace Corps knows what the hell they are doing. Because we live in these communities and work side by side with these people we are able to make sure everything goes right and that they know how to build the systems and fix them when needed. We also know how to save money when purchasing the materials as many of these systems can be supported by local free materials that the owner has. Saving money means more water for more people. And that means less child death.

You wouldn't believe how many child deaths there are here just because of water. I have people in my community that have lost half their children. It's sad to say the least. Even the ones that live have a constant worm and or amoeba problem which slows down everything from being able to learn to being able to work. Some figures say that a person can increase their income by 30% a year by just being free of parasites. That's a lot of money to these people. After seeing so many sick and literally dying babies at the last doctor clinics I translated for I decided to make a video. Please take the time to check it out. Most of the video is shot in my community and I know most of these kids. Peace...

Translating For Jebus

Ok, sorry for not writing for so long. I've been a little busy. I've been doing everything from translating for various different doctor groups that have come through the area, to help start a new tour in my site, to being part of a worm composting seminar. It's been a crazy and the fact that we have only had 4 days of sunshine in the past 30 days hasn't even fazed me. I actually like it now. Anyways, here is what has been going on:

The pastor of our community church came up to me a couple months ago asking if I and some of other Peace Corps Volunteers could come for a 4 day medical clinic to help translate. Of course my first response was that I would not even consider it if we had to translate anything jesusy. He assured me that we would not and so I sent out the word. The day came and I hosted 4 volunteers in my very small hut and things went pretty well. The group was organized and had done this many times before. The clinic actually took place in a place called Valle de Risco which is up the hill from me but we were able to get a ride with the church van all 4 days. The people were really nice and if it wasn't for them saying god bless after some things and doing group prayers before meals I wouldn't have even known they were a church group. We all actually made some good friends and were able to swap stories about our social work in various places. I was definitely relieved that we weren't forced to do any prayer stuff with them and apart from them having a bible reading next to the line to get in they didn't make anyone do anything special to be seen. They had glasses for those who needed it and all the equipment to check vision and they came with a boat load medication. The line stretched the school we were housed in and it seemed that it was never ending. Each day more and more people came from further and further away. Each one of the Peace Corps Volunteers were with a doctor or nurse and after translating all day we were all pretty tired. I had translated for other groups and could definitely see the difference in the organization level. They seemed to have it down to a science. 

Me holding another happy patient 

Even though everything went pretty well of course, like always, I had my complaints and reservations. As most people know I'm critical and always like to look at the hidden side of things. In other words I'm convinced that many of these groups that come down here (especially church groups) have a over-riding agenda. For the most part, this groups agenda was out in the open. They were a church group and they were putting on a free clinic. There were just a couple things that bothered me. One, again, there were no real doctors! I don't know how many times I have translated for these types of groups where there are nurses or someone who just started school to be a doctor handing out meds like they are candy. There was a Physicians Assistant there whom was very nice and knowledgeable but I hate the fact that people are allowed to come down here and further reinforce the fact that they are second class citizens. It might not be that big of deal as something is better than nothing but I just feel better knowing a real doctor is around. The second thing was that with this clinic brought a lot of bad habits we have formed in the states. Almost every person got Antibiotics, worm meds, and pain relievers. 

There was no equipment to check blood, urine, or saliva and no ultrasound. With other mobil clinics that I've worked with these things are very valuable and save the person from taking drugs they don't need to and from you having to pay for them. I've really never seen anything like it. Almost every damn person got those things. Of course I gave my own speech while they were handing the meds out talking about how they need to drink boiled water and more of it. The last thing that really started to bug me, but didn't start bugging me until the last day was the fact that these people brought their own translators but were using them for walking door to door to talk about the bible. I realized that in a way I was helping them evangelize the town by freeing up their translators. I realized later that they would have gotten other translators from Almirante but it still bothered me. As most know, I think that the bible and its story are just that. Stories. I even think that some are good stories. I just don't believe that one should live their lives based on a story. Especially one made up almost 2k years ago. The bible or Jesus or anything else that is religious doesn't really bother me and I think that there are beautiful cultures built around some of these stories and beliefs. What does bother me are church groups knowingly going to places that have low to no education and that live in poverty and promising a better life if they live it by worshiping a particular god. I just don't think its fair to these people. Why do they need this? I really think that the church people think they are doing something good and they seemed really happy doing it. The locals are pretty used to church and evangelists so they were happy too. I guess I'm the one that just doesn't get it. 

Less Than Four Months Left

Life is back to normal. Well back to normal for here at least. The heat is unbearably unbearable, time has seemed to stop in place, and I spend long swaths of the day with my eyes glued to a book that I would have never picked up in the states. The novelty of my return has been short and most people just simply ask where I've been. My water tank is nearly dry, the energy in my car battery used to charge things almost empty, and cell service gone for the last 5 days. But, and this is a big but, I have my health. It has been months since I have been sick with any worms or parasites. That is, to my knowledge at least. There is the off chance that I do have something and my body has finally built up some type of normal immunity or at least learned that these things aren't going away anytime soon so they might as well get snug. In fact its been since we were locked in site for that greater part of the month when I had 3 days shitting my pants and clutching my stomach in pain due to something that no will ever be able to tell since I've been sick. 

On return from the states I bought soccer cleats. There were two reasons for this. One being that I need something to do for an hour a day, and two being that as soon as I got back from the states everyone I ran into commented that I had gained a bunch of weight. That probably isn't a bad thing and ever since I've gone totally vegetarian I've noticed my stomach get a little out there, but it is all a reminder that I haven't been getting much exercise. Lets just say that my first practice almost sent me to the hospital. I limped off the field with my muscles barely hanging on to my flesh from fatigue. Its taken me 4 days to recoup and today is more practice. 

I'm stuck in a weird zone now where I don't have much time left here but I do. Peace Corps tells us to start winding everything down and still have more than 3 months left. At the same time everyone is talking about my going away party and how they want to claim certain things in my house when I leave. I'm having a raffle for everything which seems to be the fairest thing to do. All this talk though gets me excited for a second until I realize that I have more than 100 days left here and that most of that will be spent waiting. I do have a great deal of work planned such as my 8 day workshop that I hope to start next week which will coincide with us getting some new computers. And there is a whole new tourism project with another group that I'm trying to help out with now which involves a lot of logistics and making promotional materials. There is also my student which I help every day and whom is doing an outstanding job. 

If I have started to reflect upon my time here I have only been thinking of one thing really and that is the fact that helping others (including other living things including animals such as baby hummingbirds) really does make one feel better. It could be argued that it is an selfish thing itself. Seeing how I've helped these people even in the smallest amount has really kept me going this whole time and without I'de have been a wreck. I do realize that most volunteers spin their wheels for a long in service and I have had my fair share of that too, but with the great successes I've had I feel good. Even the small things like being able to have a full conversation with my English student puts a smile on my heart. You can't see it. But its there. 

Back To The Jungle

This is the first blog post on my new MacBook Air. That's right, after a lifetime of PCs, and I mean we had the first home PC available in my house, I have switched over to the competitor. The last time I used a mac was during my lunch breaks as a kid in the computer lab. That's right, I spent my lunch breaks in the computer lab and not because I was a computer whiz but because I was just a dork and had no friends in 8th grade. But enough of my heartbreaking childhood lets talk about what the crap I've been doing for the last month. 

For the 4 people that read this you probably already know that I went to the states to see friends and family for awhile. I went to beautiful Tahoe, CA for over two weeks and traded hot and humid for snowy and cold. It wasn't cold the entire time and the place is more magical than I ever imagined or remember which was mostly due to the fact that I had a great guide and we has some amazing weather halfway through my trip. By great guide I'm talking about Michelle who you could say was my anchor the entire time in Tahoe. We are not technically "dating" but I think both our hopes are that we will be once my time here is done. In this trip I was also able to see my parents, brothers, sister, and friends. It was a blast and also shock to my system of sorts. I knew that going back to the states for that long so close to my time ending here would be highly un advisable but I wanted to do it anyways. When I'm done here I have my sights set on South America and not seeing my friends or family for more than a year was going to be hard. It was hard coming back though and when the plane landed back in Panama I tried to rally myself and get myself ready for another 4 months. 

As most know it has not been an easy ride in these last 2 years here and lately there has been a lot of excess time in site that has started to bring me down. Even coming back I've tried to get myself ready to keep myself busy but it has been hard. The heat kills me and it seems that sometimes time itself has stopped. What does keep me going is seeing the smiles on peoples faces here and knowing that they care about me. The work that I have planned for my last three months will be the most important in making sure that Oreba Chocolate stays sustainable and growing and that is important. I'm also excited to start working with Jon who wants to do his waterfall tour. 

Flying from the States back to here really put things into perspective. Again. It took twice as long to get from L.A. to Miami than it did from Miami to Panama City and getting off the plane the difference isn't quite so noticeable. Even taking a non air conditioned taxi in the blaring heat through unmarked crowded streets could have been reminiscent of L.A. It really didn't hit me until I made it about an hour out of the city and saw the shanty houses and trash that I had been so accustomed too in the past. The terrible lines for buses that no one seems to mind. The lack of healthy food options. And just the sense that no one cares about the people that have nothing in this country. All over again it made me mad that in a country where so many rich people live and where the government has spent billions on infrastructure this year that the education system that is ranked one of the worst in the world only seems to get worse with no bottom in site. It makes you think. Does a government run by rich people even want the poor classes to have the education needed to become part of the power in this country. What would happen if an indigenous person were to "make it" and run for office where you have a country that is overwhelmingly indigenous? 

I digress. I love the people here and there are many who want to see the country do better including many gringos. The government is right to re-invest the earnings from the canal into subways and rail lines and advertising for tourism. They want this to be the new Costa Rica. Or I thought they did until reading that Panama will loose the the "World Heritage Site" distinction for Cioba along with millions of dollars because the government hasn't put any money into protecting it and they refuse to respond to the UN about what is going on there. Get your damn head out of your ass Panama. You are so close to making this place a great place to live for the people and animals that are already here!

I digress again. I'm happy to be back. Here are some random updates on stuff:

- Lady next door had her 11th child of which is another girl. That makes 8 girls in a row and there is no dad in the house. There is only one boy in the house who is 18 years old and he is pretty much keeping the family together. What is amazing is that the girls never complain and are always smiling. They are one small problem away from disaster though and that worries me. 

- I bought soccer cleats yesterday so I can start practicing soccer everyday as my tummy has seemed to balloon after having the chance to eat what ever I like in the states. Will be having a six pack in no time. 

- Trying to bring back 60 pounds of computers from the states is a bad idea. Especially when the wheel breaks on the luggage and I have to carry that and my regular luggage on my back for a mile!

- Starting to nail down what I want to do when I'm done here and it has everything to do with chocolate. :) 

 4 more months. Here we go...

Give Me Money

It is a normal thing for a Peace Corps Volunteer to be asked for money during their service. I don't think that I have talked to one volunteer that has not had that experience. We are mostly white and white people are associated with having money. I've had it happen many times and every time I have said no. A big reason for that is that if you give just a little than you will most likely be called upon to give more. Another reason is that giving out money can be tricky business. It can wreck relationships between you and community members and it can put you in awkward situations. Plus, we don't have that much money to just be giving out. I, myself, have to use my own money every month just to survive in this country just because I end up having to travel a lot for the artisan group. Probably the biggest reason I do not like giving money out is because I know for sure that every person in this community has a farm and in that farm are countless things to eat. And if there are not things to eat out of your farm then that was your own damn fault for not making sure that things you can eat were not growing in it.

That is why when the little girl that lives a couple houses down from me asked for two dollars and fifty cents I said no. I had just visited her house as I have for past couple days mostly for the reason that her mom is insanely pregnant and when the doctors came by they had told her that the baby was in an awkward position. For those of you read the other posts on my blog dealing with babies in my community you will know why I'm concerned. As a Peace Corps volunteer and especially as a Community Economic Development volunteer our job really has nothing to do with healthcare. I know that there are some Peace Corps posts that deal with that but Panama is definitely not one of them. This country has an incredible amount of income coming in and it has the best hospitals in Latin America (Thats why I got placed here), its just that none of that ever sees the poor people here. For this lady to get a sonogram it would cost her $20 at the least. She makes zero dollars. So back to the girl asking for money. I said no. Then I got to thinking. This is the woman's 10^th kid and all of the kids in her family have to take care of the younger one all the way from 20 years old down to the 1 year old. Her husband abandoned her in a drunken rage one night and went to live with another lady in a different community. He hasn't been back in 4 months. It took three guys to pull him out of the house because he was yelling and threatening her. I starting thinking that I knew that she has a farm because I have talked to her about it. In fact she has a big farm. And I knew that she had kids old enough to work in the farm. I decided I was OK with my decision and kept on reading my book. That was until I realized that I was reading without really reading. I was just thinking about her laying down there on her porch on her side unable to move from the weight of the baby and the insane heat of the day.

I needed a second opinion so I went over to my other neighbors house and asked there. I found out that the older kids were at school and that the oldest had a foot problem and could not make it to the farm. Shit, was the first word that came to mind. I instantly felt bad. I headed back into my place grabbed exactly the two dollars and fifty cents she had sent her five year old to ask me for and headed over to her house. Upon arriving at her house I noticed the girl that had been sent to ask me for the money below the house with a machete trying to dig roots out of where the sink water drains out into. I instantly felt worse. She wasn't trying to extort me just because I had been visiting her. The family of mostly small children was actually hungry and were about to have the five year old girl dig for roots in the dirty water of their kitchen disposal. I told her to come back in and I went up the stairs where I found Gloria laying on her side on the porch, her extremely pregnant belling protruding out like a beached whale. As I handed over the money something still pulled on me telling me that I was being a sucker and that they had plenty of food inside. You would think that everything up until this point would have told me otherwise. So I gave my speech about how I can not usually do this and that she should plant more stuff in her farm and that her older kids need to find a way to get money. I felt proud about my speech and thought to myself that I was only trying to help. That was until she told me that the older kid had just got back from the farm and that all the food they had growing was too small to harvest right now but that the same older kid was going to market with the cacao tomorrow and she could pay me back. I felt like an idiot and to make it worse the following happened: She then asked the five year old, that was now trying to handle the three year old and the one year old, if the banana truck which comes by once a day had left already. Of course it had as I had spent all this time giving speeches and figuring out if I should give her a measly two dollars and fifty cents. I felt failure crawl through my blood as I explained that maybe someone else in town had something she could buy eat knowing that that would be hard right now. She thanked me for being kind as I left just to drive the dagger between my heart and the rest of my body to make sure that the separation was complete.

Other stuff:

My toe seems to be healing I guess. It doesn't hurt at all but there is this crazy hole where the nail used to be. I'm pretty sure that the nail is just going to grow right back into there.

I'm hoping to buy soccer cleats this weekend to play on our team here.

I've been scrambling a little bit trying to figure out how the hell to get a cacao grinder here. It has been over a year now since we started looking for a grinder to buy when I get back from vacation I will have four months to get it here and working.

I'm going back home for almost three weeks. Going to see friends and family. Can't wait. I will be bringing back 62 lbs of computers back with me because I can get two free ones for my community if I do so for a local non profit.

I've been hard to work on a marketing and sales workshop for the artisan group. They will need it with the increase in capacity that the grinder will provide.

It has been hot as hell and after carrying bags of sand on my back with the artisan group all day yesterday my legs finally broke out with heat rash. It's the real first heat rash I've had this year and I'm hoping that I can control it with keeping it cool and wet. Last year was absolutely miserable when I had it. It usually goes away with a couple nights in an air conditioned hotel which I will have soon so I'm not worried too much about that

My English/Tourism student is doing well and is to the point where he can have small conversations. I'm really surprised at his advancement and determination. He told me the speech that he tells the tourist which includes things like “Adam Armstrong taught me English so I can be a tour guide and I appreciate it because I do not have enough money to go to school to learn English”. Teaching every day is not too bad even though it can be trying sometimes after a long hot day. I'm secretly trying to get him a computer too as I think he is one of the kids with the most potential here.  

Bocas Baseball and Toe Damage

Lets see, where do I start? I know. The bad news first. So my negligibility came to bite me in the ass again and this time in the form of a hangnail. I was convinced that the damn thing was just a phase that would pass like the crazy amount of gringos that come here to think they are going to “live” the dream. I find that they just need to live the reality. Anywho, I waited and waited and my big toe got more and more gross. Red. Infected. Smelt like a sewage treatment plant that had broken down years ago but still had raw sewage being pumped into it. You get the point. If only I had gone to the doctor at the first sign of discomfort I would not have had to rely on the archaic methods I did which trying to cut the side of the toenail off lengthwise and then ripping the nail out that had at this point hooked its way into what felt like the center of my toe. My god that was a terrible idea.

Note to everyone, don't put off to tomorrow what you can do today and if you think things will just go away on their own like I like to do then you you are either going to end up with two distinct things and nothing else. One is a bloody big toe that the doctor has just ripped a jagged piece of nail out of along with cutting out and yanking half of what is left of your toe. The other is most likely going to be a really shitty term paper that was thrown together while trying to nurse a hangover with caffeine and hot pockets. I've done both. It was lucky for me that I've always had a knack for writing and could churn out a respectable paper no matter what. It was not lucky for me that I had tried to give myself surgery without anesthesia. And it was downright stupid to wait for months while my demonic toenail sent from the underbelly of hell itself dug its way towards the middle of my toe while slicing its way through any and everything it could therefore turning my toe into a red infected chunk of dead meat hanging out next to my other toes.

Ok. Enough of that. Lets talk about happy things. It rained today thank god. My water tank was pretty much down to its last drop and that was going to mean going to the river to bath with an open sore. Also, I heard that humans need to drink water to survive so I will be trying that out now that I have plenty.

Directly after my excruciatingly painful impromptu surgery by one of Changuinola's finest doctors that made me wait until he could position the antenna on the tv just right before he could cut into my hemorrhaging toe, I went to the Bocas Baseball game. Now this might catch you by surprise and if it has I'm very sorry and please give me a chance to explain. This was not just any ol baseball game, this was game three of the World Series of Baseball (of just Panama) and Bocas was up two games to none. Tickets were hard to come by but I had my connections and had my ticket in hand as the good ol doctor Whack a Mole was hacking away at my foot digits. So I hobbled out of the Clinica San Jose and onto the dirt road where I soon chased a taxi as fast as a turtle chases....well...anything, and I was off. I met my friends in front of the stadium and after the horse tranquilizers that they gave me for the pain kicked in I felt perfectly sane and comfortable sitting on a plastic beer box with a view of almost nothing that was so far away from any player that I couldn't make out any of the numbers on their backs for 7 hours. We won which was the important thing and I didn't get my toe stomped into oblivion every time we scored and the people behind, in front, to the sides, and somehow underneath me, went into convulsive fits while hurling copious amounts alcohol into the air. I'm not kidding about this. Like I ever kid anyways. Apparently someone scoring at a baseball game here is a perfectly good reason to swing your drink around in the sky until there is none left in said container.

I actually enjoyed it and I think I would have even without the Dr. Mole tranquilizers. Having attended many baseball games in the states I can attest that they are boring. And by boring I mostly mean that its not that rowdy. Now, I've never been to a final game of anything until now so I don't know if baseball finals are different in the states but here its just turned up to 11 no doubt. You've got half the people paying to get in standing in every crevice of the ballpark, the constant and I mean constant pounding away by the band who is seated in the stands, two dollar bags of fried chicken with banana chips, hand horns, car horns, bus horns, and whistles constantly going off, and people screaming at the refs. Its good entertainment and worth my five bucks any day...