A Wormy Goodbye

This is the last week I will have in my community. Well, its actually the last 3 days I will have here. It's also been one of the roughest times I've had in my community yet. You see, I haven't had a lot of the problems that many of the volunteers have had here such as problems getting people motivated and organized. Oh wait, I have had those problems but they just have been overshadowed by the couple people here that are more or less rock stars and actually want to work. More about that later. The last week has been hard mostly because of health and a little bit because of the heat. There is also the fact that someone murdered a 9 year old girl and threw her into the river in a bag. That was also a bad day. 

My health has been bad to this degree: I got a bone breaking flu that most people compare to and often confuse for Dengue which gave me a temp of over 102 for 5 days in a place where it is already boiling hot. During that same time I couldn't eat anything so after the 6th day when I felt half way alive I drug myself to the lab to do a poop test and found out that I also had intestinal worms. I had surgery on my toenail again where they cut out half of it and pulled it off so I haven't been able to walk, and my prostate is now inflamed to the point where it hurts more than anything on my body. Did I mention that the bond breaking flu made your head feel like it was in a vice. I couldn't open my eyes for a whole day unless I wanted extreme pain behind my eyes. 

So I'm finally getting better. Well everything except my prostate, but I can deal with that for now. My farewell party is this friday and it seems that the artisan group has invited the world to it. People from the island are coming, other volunteers, and even some government agencies have been invited. I've been looking forward to it for some time now and have been literally hanging on to life here so I can see it through. Its funny, the day I came into site I was deathly ill with a flu and two ear infections. 

I haven't been able to go around and visit too many houses in the village due to my sicknesses, trying to get my things ready for a big raffle I'm going to have, and also taking my english student into town to show how to use a computer that I gave to time as a present today. tomorrow really is my last day to go around to peoples houses and visit them. On the top of the list is my first host mother and then Katia, the girl with baby Adam (refer to For the Love of her Child Post). Then I'll go visit some of the further houses that I've done things with such as those I've done water project for and so forth. That is, if I don't die of heat exhaustion by then. I also need to visit some of the people in Rio Oeste Abajo whom seem to love me for some reason. 

My last days in site should be fun and hopefully the activities can take my mind off my ailing body. It is such a downer to feel like this and a part of me is worried that I will never get better after this. Seeing some good doctors in the states, not getting worms and amoebas all the time, and eating good food might help. Also, not living in an oven will help too. Next post will be about some reflections. I just didn't think they belonged with this one about me almost dying in my last days here...

It All Comes Back Around

When I think back to why I joined the Peace Corps I can't really put my finger on what it really was I was applying for. I was working at Red Lobster in Chico, CA as a bartender and living with Ari and we were both basically in life idle, waiting for the next thing to happen. I met a girl and eventually moved around the state while my application got processed. For something as intense to get into as the Peace Corps I'm now surprised that I stuck in there and jumped through the intense amount of hoops they put me through. I had never in life stayed in one spot for 2 years and the Peace Corps was going to force me to do that. It was also going to force me to conform to a system of rules and not give me a choice as to where I went or what I would be doing. I guess that is what I liked about the whole thing. The fact that I would be forced to do something out of my comfort zone. My Peace Corps service has defined me now so I guess it worked. 

After getting rejected the first time because of a medical problem with my heart, I decided I'de try to get the problem fixed and apply again. That's what I did and as I was breaking up with the girl I was with I applied again and this time made it through. I can remember the day we were to swear into our service here in Panama after 2 1/2 months of training. I was home sick, health sick, and thought I had made a huge mistake. I remember sitting in the old US military base where the Peace Corps headquarters is in Panama and crying thinking I made a mistake. I stuck it out and told myself that I would never give up. I have never had so much drive to do something so uncomfortable and unpleasing to me in my life. I honestly compared it to a putting myself in a 2 year jail sentence. 

I remember counting down the days to the months. I made small calendars in my journals and told myself that I just needed to make it to 3 moths and then I would figure out what to do with my life. I told myself that I would never learn spanish and that I would just get by using hand gestures. I was convinced that I had done the wrong thing and that I was going to hate my time here. That I would never get anything done because the last volunteer couldn't get anything done and just knowing that he did not have a good time here made me think that I would have the same. I remember trying to convince myself that there was no shame in quitting because of the massive amount of health problems I was having. I remember locking myself in that hot and dirty room in my first host family's house curled up under the mosquito net trying to find things to do so I didn't have to talk to anyone. It could not have been a worse start and I thought my time was doomed. 

I don't remember the exact day or situation that set it off but I do know that it was with Salomon and that it had to do with his enthusiasm and patience that got me a little excited to be here. I can honestly say that if it hadn't been for him that things here would have been much much different. In terms of my work here and how I felt about the community. It wasn't just the prospect of building a tour from the ground up or creating a chocolate making business with no resources or know-how that got me excited to be here and to really give it a try, it was the fact that people here (mostly Salomon) were genuinely excited about doing it. I remember spending days and days going over plans and numbers with Salomon. Writing presentations for the artisan group to explain what we wanted to do and having meeting after meeting about planning the future businesses. I remember launching the tour and the feeling of the first tourists that paid. I remember seeing the people's faces here after that first money came in. I remember the look on the people's faces that said it would never work and that gringos would never wan't to see just cacao trees. We are now rated the #2 tour in all of Panama on TripAdvisor, have been featured in 4 national magazines, featured in international magazines, and the tour brings in more than $3,000 a month to a group of artisans that were making at most $50 a month collectively before. The Chocolate is a whole different thing and sells itself everywhere it is put.  

Those projects combined with projects like putting up water catchment tanks for houses without clean water and teaching english and technology have really helped me through it all. There is also the people here and the friendships I have made. Without those I would have perished for sure, but the single biggest thing that helped me through it all was understanding the culture and language here. I guess that is why they put so much focus on it during training. Once I learned the language, I started wanting to be here. 

And then there is the fact that for 8 months I got to date another volunteer that meant a lot to me and helped me get through the hard times and gave me something to look forward to every day. 

This place is rough for a gringo. No doubt. The climate, bugs, parasites, and living conditions have pushed my body and mind to its limit. I'm a different person because of it and I see the world in a different light. As much great work I have been credited for doing here I have learned so much more from them than I could ever teach them. I will be coming back in a different state of mind with 3 more years tacked on to my age. I will be coming back to a world with electricity, and cars, and smog, and running water. It will be another adjustment and it will be hard again. This time I can't go back to what I'm used to though. Well I guess I could but I would like to get healthy one day and not have parasites. I'm excited again, and I'm sad again. I know that this time I will be crying as I leave this place and its people that have been so good to me and have worked so hard to build something different and new for their futures. It's going to be hard to leave...

Ambassador Farrar is a Pretty Cool Guy

Confused and tired I stepped onto the boat taxi as me and two other locals left from Bocas island going back to the main land. It only struck me what kind of day it would be as we pulled into dock in Almirante to see the crowds trying to get onto boats to the island. Thousands of eager beer thirsty Panamanians and Costa Ricans bulging at the seems to party for the weekend spilled into every crevasse of every boat dock. I was on a different mission. Having been on the island for a couple days with our Oreba Chocolate stand I was now needed back in my community for a much anticipated visit from the US Ambassador to Panama. 

Halfway back to my community I realized that I forgot the key to my house. The thought of only having 5 minutes to break my door with a borrowed hammer and then walking 45 min to the street wasn’t my idea of a good start to the day but that’s what I did. Waiting by the road for 20 minutes I could not help but think how full circle everything has come. I’ve gone from locking myself in a room in my host family’s house thinking that two years of this could be equivalent to doing 5 years of hard in prison to being proud of the work I’ve done, proud of the people I’ve gotten the chance to work with and got close to, and proud to receive someone so notable as the Ambassador. They soon picked me up in on of their armored suburbans and off we went. Ambassador Farrar and his wife was inexplicably nice and open for being so important and for amount of time they have spent working as representatives for the US. Their last post was in Cuba and you can imagine the level of importance that post was. Although with the importance of the Panama canal this post might be even more important. 

My community members and I gave them the quick tour of what we do and seeing them dressed up for the visit was great. We took pictures, we laughed, the Ambassadors wife took home some orchids and chocolate and made me an origami elephant out of a dollar bill, and we went into Almirante to visit the cacao co-op. I had warned the co-op that we would be coming this day and I didn’t really think much of it. I was under the impression that I would just be showing the Ambassador around a little and then we would leave. When the president of the co-op mentioned that he was going to propose funding for a project they had I told him that he might want to keep that to himself as the Ambassador wouldn’t have time for it. I was real wrong. When we showed up we were whisked into a large room with a huge circular table. As we sat down people served us hot chocolate I realized that this was pretty important to them. I guess I just didn't think about it before. Introductions were made, the co-op people stood up and talked about themselves for an uncomfortably long amount of time and the request for funds documents were handed over. My favorite part of the meeting had to be when one of the Afro-Antillian members started reciting the Gettysburg Address to the Ambassador. When that started I looked over at his assistant and we both started laughing. 

After going to cocaba (the co-op) we went to the only reasonably acceptable place to eat in Almirante which is a chinese restaurant. We met up with a couple other volunteers and the food was good. I then waited on the road for the president of Engineers Without Borders to come pick me up and take me back to my site so I could show them around and show them the projects I had been working on. It was a long day and after I barely was able find space on a boat going back to the island I almost immediate fell asleep. MIssion accomplished. 

F My Health

My health is so fucked its unbelievable. That’s the first time I’ve used the F-bomb on my blog so I hope you’ll understand that I really mean it when I say it. I could chalk up my health problems to the poor diet of TV dinners and soda when I was a child or the endless nights of Top Ramen and pizza when in college, but its not that. It dates back to the day I was born when I was forced to stay in a plastic bubble for a week because of a major heart issue. Until this day that heart issue has plagued me along with everything else. I’m guessing the tropics aren’t helping any of the crazy ailments I currently have and I can almost tell you for certain that the crazy amounts of worms, parasites, amoebas, and giardia haven’t helped my case. And now this. Stuck in a hospital for 5 days while doctors probe and prod me in every hole available just to tell me I now have a chronic prostate problem that might go away in a couple months. In the meantime I have about the energy of a dying rat and my entire pelvic region is on fire. Health rant done.

The Grinder we need

I’ve got less than a month left in my site now if I ever make it back from the hospital and its starting to get surreal. I can’t believe that its almost over. The thought of breathing cool california air and eating meals that don’t involve rice and MSG sounds amazing. The thought of seeing my family and loved ones keeps me going and keeps me pushing to do the best I can here before my time is up. I know that I can leave my community with my head high and just that facts that my community is throwing me a huge going away party and the Ambassador to Panama from the US is coming to visit me next week show me that I’ve done well. In fact, I can honestly say that I’m more proud of what I’ve done here than in anything else I’ve done in the past. Graduating college was a biggie for me considering it took 8 years but nothing compared to this. I know that I’ve changed a lot of lives, saved lives, and given people hope for a better future in my community and being able to see the change while I’ve been there has been one of the most rewarding things ever. 

The grinder that we were supposed to get for the artisan group from mexico didn’t make it and now we are scrambling to find a replacement. I’ve contracted a manufacturer in David to do it and plan on visiting him tomorrow. That is if I can get enough coffee in my system to get enough energy to do it.  

There are many more things I’de like to write here and so much stuff has happened since last time I wrote but the words escape me now. Maybe its tiredness kicking in or maybe its just because I don’t feel like I need to explain everything anymore. Its been a bumpy ride and I know it will take me being in the states for awhile for me to recover but I think it will happen and when that time comes I will be able to fully look back on my service and what I’ve done in it and explain it to others. Can’t wait to see all my friends, family, and loved ones. Its so close.  

Water is Life

As many know, I've been involved in a lot of water projects in my community and others. I've seen groups come in and do a not so great job of helping the locals get clean water and I've seen other groups come in with open minds and work with the locals and doing a good job. Unfortunately most of the groups that come in and try to help actually do either nothing or make the problem worse. The main problem is that many of these groups come in and set up a water catchment system for a house to get clean rain water and don't take into account how they are doing it. Some come with power tools and never even really talk to the home owner. It's like if you were living at home and a plumber came to fix your plumbing and never talked to you, never told you what the problem was, used tools you've never seen before, and left without telling you how to fix anything if something went wrong. This is the reality of most water projects here in the third world.

There is an organization that does it right and I happen to be part of that organization:) Thats right, the good ol Peace Corps knows what the hell they are doing. Because we live in these communities and work side by side with these people we are able to make sure everything goes right and that they know how to build the systems and fix them when needed. We also know how to save money when purchasing the materials as many of these systems can be supported by local free materials that the owner has. Saving money means more water for more people. And that means less child death.

You wouldn't believe how many child deaths there are here just because of water. I have people in my community that have lost half their children. It's sad to say the least. Even the ones that live have a constant worm and or amoeba problem which slows down everything from being able to learn to being able to work. Some figures say that a person can increase their income by 30% a year by just being free of parasites. That's a lot of money to these people. After seeing so many sick and literally dying babies at the last doctor clinics I translated for I decided to make a video. Please take the time to check it out. Most of the video is shot in my community and I know most of these kids. Peace...

Translating For Jebus

Ok, sorry for not writing for so long. I've been a little busy. I've been doing everything from translating for various different doctor groups that have come through the area, to help start a new tour in my site, to being part of a worm composting seminar. It's been a crazy and the fact that we have only had 4 days of sunshine in the past 30 days hasn't even fazed me. I actually like it now. Anyways, here is what has been going on:

The pastor of our community church came up to me a couple months ago asking if I and some of other Peace Corps Volunteers could come for a 4 day medical clinic to help translate. Of course my first response was that I would not even consider it if we had to translate anything jesusy. He assured me that we would not and so I sent out the word. The day came and I hosted 4 volunteers in my very small hut and things went pretty well. The group was organized and had done this many times before. The clinic actually took place in a place called Valle de Risco which is up the hill from me but we were able to get a ride with the church van all 4 days. The people were really nice and if it wasn't for them saying god bless after some things and doing group prayers before meals I wouldn't have even known they were a church group. We all actually made some good friends and were able to swap stories about our social work in various places. I was definitely relieved that we weren't forced to do any prayer stuff with them and apart from them having a bible reading next to the line to get in they didn't make anyone do anything special to be seen. They had glasses for those who needed it and all the equipment to check vision and they came with a boat load medication. The line stretched the school we were housed in and it seemed that it was never ending. Each day more and more people came from further and further away. Each one of the Peace Corps Volunteers were with a doctor or nurse and after translating all day we were all pretty tired. I had translated for other groups and could definitely see the difference in the organization level. They seemed to have it down to a science. 

Me holding another happy patient 

Even though everything went pretty well of course, like always, I had my complaints and reservations. As most people know I'm critical and always like to look at the hidden side of things. In other words I'm convinced that many of these groups that come down here (especially church groups) have a over-riding agenda. For the most part, this groups agenda was out in the open. They were a church group and they were putting on a free clinic. There were just a couple things that bothered me. One, again, there were no real doctors! I don't know how many times I have translated for these types of groups where there are nurses or someone who just started school to be a doctor handing out meds like they are candy. There was a Physicians Assistant there whom was very nice and knowledgeable but I hate the fact that people are allowed to come down here and further reinforce the fact that they are second class citizens. It might not be that big of deal as something is better than nothing but I just feel better knowing a real doctor is around. The second thing was that with this clinic brought a lot of bad habits we have formed in the states. Almost every person got Antibiotics, worm meds, and pain relievers. 

There was no equipment to check blood, urine, or saliva and no ultrasound. With other mobil clinics that I've worked with these things are very valuable and save the person from taking drugs they don't need to and from you having to pay for them. I've really never seen anything like it. Almost every damn person got those things. Of course I gave my own speech while they were handing the meds out talking about how they need to drink boiled water and more of it. The last thing that really started to bug me, but didn't start bugging me until the last day was the fact that these people brought their own translators but were using them for walking door to door to talk about the bible. I realized that in a way I was helping them evangelize the town by freeing up their translators. I realized later that they would have gotten other translators from Almirante but it still bothered me. As most know, I think that the bible and its story are just that. Stories. I even think that some are good stories. I just don't believe that one should live their lives based on a story. Especially one made up almost 2k years ago. The bible or Jesus or anything else that is religious doesn't really bother me and I think that there are beautiful cultures built around some of these stories and beliefs. What does bother me are church groups knowingly going to places that have low to no education and that live in poverty and promising a better life if they live it by worshiping a particular god. I just don't think its fair to these people. Why do they need this? I really think that the church people think they are doing something good and they seemed really happy doing it. The locals are pretty used to church and evangelists so they were happy too. I guess I'm the one that just doesn't get it. 

Less Than Four Months Left

Life is back to normal. Well back to normal for here at least. The heat is unbearably unbearable, time has seemed to stop in place, and I spend long swaths of the day with my eyes glued to a book that I would have never picked up in the states. The novelty of my return has been short and most people just simply ask where I've been. My water tank is nearly dry, the energy in my car battery used to charge things almost empty, and cell service gone for the last 5 days. But, and this is a big but, I have my health. It has been months since I have been sick with any worms or parasites. That is, to my knowledge at least. There is the off chance that I do have something and my body has finally built up some type of normal immunity or at least learned that these things aren't going away anytime soon so they might as well get snug. In fact its been since we were locked in site for that greater part of the month when I had 3 days shitting my pants and clutching my stomach in pain due to something that no will ever be able to tell since I've been sick. 

On return from the states I bought soccer cleats. There were two reasons for this. One being that I need something to do for an hour a day, and two being that as soon as I got back from the states everyone I ran into commented that I had gained a bunch of weight. That probably isn't a bad thing and ever since I've gone totally vegetarian I've noticed my stomach get a little out there, but it is all a reminder that I haven't been getting much exercise. Lets just say that my first practice almost sent me to the hospital. I limped off the field with my muscles barely hanging on to my flesh from fatigue. Its taken me 4 days to recoup and today is more practice. 

I'm stuck in a weird zone now where I don't have much time left here but I do. Peace Corps tells us to start winding everything down and still have more than 3 months left. At the same time everyone is talking about my going away party and how they want to claim certain things in my house when I leave. I'm having a raffle for everything which seems to be the fairest thing to do. All this talk though gets me excited for a second until I realize that I have more than 100 days left here and that most of that will be spent waiting. I do have a great deal of work planned such as my 8 day workshop that I hope to start next week which will coincide with us getting some new computers. And there is a whole new tourism project with another group that I'm trying to help out with now which involves a lot of logistics and making promotional materials. There is also my student which I help every day and whom is doing an outstanding job. 

If I have started to reflect upon my time here I have only been thinking of one thing really and that is the fact that helping others (including other living things including animals such as baby hummingbirds) really does make one feel better. It could be argued that it is an selfish thing itself. Seeing how I've helped these people even in the smallest amount has really kept me going this whole time and without I'de have been a wreck. I do realize that most volunteers spin their wheels for a long in service and I have had my fair share of that too, but with the great successes I've had I feel good. Even the small things like being able to have a full conversation with my English student puts a smile on my heart. You can't see it. But its there. 

Back To The Jungle

This is the first blog post on my new MacBook Air. That's right, after a lifetime of PCs, and I mean we had the first home PC available in my house, I have switched over to the competitor. The last time I used a mac was during my lunch breaks as a kid in the computer lab. That's right, I spent my lunch breaks in the computer lab and not because I was a computer whiz but because I was just a dork and had no friends in 8th grade. But enough of my heartbreaking childhood lets talk about what the crap I've been doing for the last month. 

For the 4 people that read this you probably already know that I went to the states to see friends and family for awhile. I went to beautiful Tahoe, CA for over two weeks and traded hot and humid for snowy and cold. It wasn't cold the entire time and the place is more magical than I ever imagined or remember which was mostly due to the fact that I had a great guide and we has some amazing weather halfway through my trip. By great guide I'm talking about Michelle who you could say was my anchor the entire time in Tahoe. We are not technically "dating" but I think both our hopes are that we will be once my time here is done. In this trip I was also able to see my parents, brothers, sister, and friends. It was a blast and also shock to my system of sorts. I knew that going back to the states for that long so close to my time ending here would be highly un advisable but I wanted to do it anyways. When I'm done here I have my sights set on South America and not seeing my friends or family for more than a year was going to be hard. It was hard coming back though and when the plane landed back in Panama I tried to rally myself and get myself ready for another 4 months. 

As most know it has not been an easy ride in these last 2 years here and lately there has been a lot of excess time in site that has started to bring me down. Even coming back I've tried to get myself ready to keep myself busy but it has been hard. The heat kills me and it seems that sometimes time itself has stopped. What does keep me going is seeing the smiles on peoples faces here and knowing that they care about me. The work that I have planned for my last three months will be the most important in making sure that Oreba Chocolate stays sustainable and growing and that is important. I'm also excited to start working with Jon who wants to do his waterfall tour. 

Flying from the States back to here really put things into perspective. Again. It took twice as long to get from L.A. to Miami than it did from Miami to Panama City and getting off the plane the difference isn't quite so noticeable. Even taking a non air conditioned taxi in the blaring heat through unmarked crowded streets could have been reminiscent of L.A. It really didn't hit me until I made it about an hour out of the city and saw the shanty houses and trash that I had been so accustomed too in the past. The terrible lines for buses that no one seems to mind. The lack of healthy food options. And just the sense that no one cares about the people that have nothing in this country. All over again it made me mad that in a country where so many rich people live and where the government has spent billions on infrastructure this year that the education system that is ranked one of the worst in the world only seems to get worse with no bottom in site. It makes you think. Does a government run by rich people even want the poor classes to have the education needed to become part of the power in this country. What would happen if an indigenous person were to "make it" and run for office where you have a country that is overwhelmingly indigenous? 

I digress. I love the people here and there are many who want to see the country do better including many gringos. The government is right to re-invest the earnings from the canal into subways and rail lines and advertising for tourism. They want this to be the new Costa Rica. Or I thought they did until reading that Panama will loose the the "World Heritage Site" distinction for Cioba along with millions of dollars because the government hasn't put any money into protecting it and they refuse to respond to the UN about what is going on there. Get your damn head out of your ass Panama. You are so close to making this place a great place to live for the people and animals that are already here!

I digress again. I'm happy to be back. Here are some random updates on stuff:

- Lady next door had her 11th child of which is another girl. That makes 8 girls in a row and there is no dad in the house. There is only one boy in the house who is 18 years old and he is pretty much keeping the family together. What is amazing is that the girls never complain and are always smiling. They are one small problem away from disaster though and that worries me. 

- I bought soccer cleats yesterday so I can start practicing soccer everyday as my tummy has seemed to balloon after having the chance to eat what ever I like in the states. Will be having a six pack in no time. 

- Trying to bring back 60 pounds of computers from the states is a bad idea. Especially when the wheel breaks on the luggage and I have to carry that and my regular luggage on my back for a mile!

- Starting to nail down what I want to do when I'm done here and it has everything to do with chocolate. :) 

 4 more months. Here we go...

Give Me Money

It is a normal thing for a Peace Corps Volunteer to be asked for money during their service. I don't think that I have talked to one volunteer that has not had that experience. We are mostly white and white people are associated with having money. I've had it happen many times and every time I have said no. A big reason for that is that if you give just a little than you will most likely be called upon to give more. Another reason is that giving out money can be tricky business. It can wreck relationships between you and community members and it can put you in awkward situations. Plus, we don't have that much money to just be giving out. I, myself, have to use my own money every month just to survive in this country just because I end up having to travel a lot for the artisan group. Probably the biggest reason I do not like giving money out is because I know for sure that every person in this community has a farm and in that farm are countless things to eat. And if there are not things to eat out of your farm then that was your own damn fault for not making sure that things you can eat were not growing in it.

That is why when the little girl that lives a couple houses down from me asked for two dollars and fifty cents I said no. I had just visited her house as I have for past couple days mostly for the reason that her mom is insanely pregnant and when the doctors came by they had told her that the baby was in an awkward position. For those of you read the other posts on my blog dealing with babies in my community you will know why I'm concerned. As a Peace Corps volunteer and especially as a Community Economic Development volunteer our job really has nothing to do with healthcare. I know that there are some Peace Corps posts that deal with that but Panama is definitely not one of them. This country has an incredible amount of income coming in and it has the best hospitals in Latin America (Thats why I got placed here), its just that none of that ever sees the poor people here. For this lady to get a sonogram it would cost her $20 at the least. She makes zero dollars. So back to the girl asking for money. I said no. Then I got to thinking. This is the woman's 10^th kid and all of the kids in her family have to take care of the younger one all the way from 20 years old down to the 1 year old. Her husband abandoned her in a drunken rage one night and went to live with another lady in a different community. He hasn't been back in 4 months. It took three guys to pull him out of the house because he was yelling and threatening her. I starting thinking that I knew that she has a farm because I have talked to her about it. In fact she has a big farm. And I knew that she had kids old enough to work in the farm. I decided I was OK with my decision and kept on reading my book. That was until I realized that I was reading without really reading. I was just thinking about her laying down there on her porch on her side unable to move from the weight of the baby and the insane heat of the day.

I needed a second opinion so I went over to my other neighbors house and asked there. I found out that the older kids were at school and that the oldest had a foot problem and could not make it to the farm. Shit, was the first word that came to mind. I instantly felt bad. I headed back into my place grabbed exactly the two dollars and fifty cents she had sent her five year old to ask me for and headed over to her house. Upon arriving at her house I noticed the girl that had been sent to ask me for the money below the house with a machete trying to dig roots out of where the sink water drains out into. I instantly felt worse. She wasn't trying to extort me just because I had been visiting her. The family of mostly small children was actually hungry and were about to have the five year old girl dig for roots in the dirty water of their kitchen disposal. I told her to come back in and I went up the stairs where I found Gloria laying on her side on the porch, her extremely pregnant belling protruding out like a beached whale. As I handed over the money something still pulled on me telling me that I was being a sucker and that they had plenty of food inside. You would think that everything up until this point would have told me otherwise. So I gave my speech about how I can not usually do this and that she should plant more stuff in her farm and that her older kids need to find a way to get money. I felt proud about my speech and thought to myself that I was only trying to help. That was until she told me that the older kid had just got back from the farm and that all the food they had growing was too small to harvest right now but that the same older kid was going to market with the cacao tomorrow and she could pay me back. I felt like an idiot and to make it worse the following happened: She then asked the five year old, that was now trying to handle the three year old and the one year old, if the banana truck which comes by once a day had left already. Of course it had as I had spent all this time giving speeches and figuring out if I should give her a measly two dollars and fifty cents. I felt failure crawl through my blood as I explained that maybe someone else in town had something she could buy eat knowing that that would be hard right now. She thanked me for being kind as I left just to drive the dagger between my heart and the rest of my body to make sure that the separation was complete.

Other stuff:

My toe seems to be healing I guess. It doesn't hurt at all but there is this crazy hole where the nail used to be. I'm pretty sure that the nail is just going to grow right back into there.

I'm hoping to buy soccer cleats this weekend to play on our team here.

I've been scrambling a little bit trying to figure out how the hell to get a cacao grinder here. It has been over a year now since we started looking for a grinder to buy when I get back from vacation I will have four months to get it here and working.

I'm going back home for almost three weeks. Going to see friends and family. Can't wait. I will be bringing back 62 lbs of computers back with me because I can get two free ones for my community if I do so for a local non profit.

I've been hard to work on a marketing and sales workshop for the artisan group. They will need it with the increase in capacity that the grinder will provide.

It has been hot as hell and after carrying bags of sand on my back with the artisan group all day yesterday my legs finally broke out with heat rash. It's the real first heat rash I've had this year and I'm hoping that I can control it with keeping it cool and wet. Last year was absolutely miserable when I had it. It usually goes away with a couple nights in an air conditioned hotel which I will have soon so I'm not worried too much about that

My English/Tourism student is doing well and is to the point where he can have small conversations. I'm really surprised at his advancement and determination. He told me the speech that he tells the tourist which includes things like “Adam Armstrong taught me English so I can be a tour guide and I appreciate it because I do not have enough money to go to school to learn English”. Teaching every day is not too bad even though it can be trying sometimes after a long hot day. I'm secretly trying to get him a computer too as I think he is one of the kids with the most potential here.  

Bocas Baseball and Toe Damage

Lets see, where do I start? I know. The bad news first. So my negligibility came to bite me in the ass again and this time in the form of a hangnail. I was convinced that the damn thing was just a phase that would pass like the crazy amount of gringos that come here to think they are going to “live” the dream. I find that they just need to live the reality. Anywho, I waited and waited and my big toe got more and more gross. Red. Infected. Smelt like a sewage treatment plant that had broken down years ago but still had raw sewage being pumped into it. You get the point. If only I had gone to the doctor at the first sign of discomfort I would not have had to rely on the archaic methods I did which trying to cut the side of the toenail off lengthwise and then ripping the nail out that had at this point hooked its way into what felt like the center of my toe. My god that was a terrible idea.

Note to everyone, don't put off to tomorrow what you can do today and if you think things will just go away on their own like I like to do then you you are either going to end up with two distinct things and nothing else. One is a bloody big toe that the doctor has just ripped a jagged piece of nail out of along with cutting out and yanking half of what is left of your toe. The other is most likely going to be a really shitty term paper that was thrown together while trying to nurse a hangover with caffeine and hot pockets. I've done both. It was lucky for me that I've always had a knack for writing and could churn out a respectable paper no matter what. It was not lucky for me that I had tried to give myself surgery without anesthesia. And it was downright stupid to wait for months while my demonic toenail sent from the underbelly of hell itself dug its way towards the middle of my toe while slicing its way through any and everything it could therefore turning my toe into a red infected chunk of dead meat hanging out next to my other toes.

Ok. Enough of that. Lets talk about happy things. It rained today thank god. My water tank was pretty much down to its last drop and that was going to mean going to the river to bath with an open sore. Also, I heard that humans need to drink water to survive so I will be trying that out now that I have plenty.

Directly after my excruciatingly painful impromptu surgery by one of Changuinola's finest doctors that made me wait until he could position the antenna on the tv just right before he could cut into my hemorrhaging toe, I went to the Bocas Baseball game. Now this might catch you by surprise and if it has I'm very sorry and please give me a chance to explain. This was not just any ol baseball game, this was game three of the World Series of Baseball (of just Panama) and Bocas was up two games to none. Tickets were hard to come by but I had my connections and had my ticket in hand as the good ol doctor Whack a Mole was hacking away at my foot digits. So I hobbled out of the Clinica San Jose and onto the dirt road where I soon chased a taxi as fast as a turtle chases....well...anything, and I was off. I met my friends in front of the stadium and after the horse tranquilizers that they gave me for the pain kicked in I felt perfectly sane and comfortable sitting on a plastic beer box with a view of almost nothing that was so far away from any player that I couldn't make out any of the numbers on their backs for 7 hours. We won which was the important thing and I didn't get my toe stomped into oblivion every time we scored and the people behind, in front, to the sides, and somehow underneath me, went into convulsive fits while hurling copious amounts alcohol into the air. I'm not kidding about this. Like I ever kid anyways. Apparently someone scoring at a baseball game here is a perfectly good reason to swing your drink around in the sky until there is none left in said container.

I actually enjoyed it and I think I would have even without the Dr. Mole tranquilizers. Having attended many baseball games in the states I can attest that they are boring. And by boring I mostly mean that its not that rowdy. Now, I've never been to a final game of anything until now so I don't know if baseball finals are different in the states but here its just turned up to 11 no doubt. You've got half the people paying to get in standing in every crevice of the ballpark, the constant and I mean constant pounding away by the band who is seated in the stands, two dollar bags of fried chicken with banana chips, hand horns, car horns, bus horns, and whistles constantly going off, and people screaming at the refs. Its good entertainment and worth my five bucks any day...

A little sumpthin sumpthin and some new/old music

So I don't do this often but I wanted to post the rough draft of something I wrote for a Peace Corps newspaper. Also, I found some music that I recorded about 7 years ago. I have no idea how I found it but I like it and hope you do too. First, here is the article:

When you here the word “developing” when attached to the word “country” one tends to think of dirt roads, confusing road signs, rampant government corruption, and hot climates. At least those were the first things that came to my mind when I signed up for the Peace Corps to work in Community Economic development in Central America. When I got the notice that I was going to Panama to serve I quickly added “jungle” to the list. It should be said that not every developing country fits into all of those parameters and that my assumptions about the developing world in Latin America were heavily based on terrible action movies that may or may not have accurately portrayed the atmosphere and political organization here. I had also had the chance to visit Panama for about a month almost 6 years ago so I thought I had had a pretty good idea of what I was getting myself into which in reality was also a false.

It wasn't until after my first year here did I really start thinking about this notion of the “developing world” and what definition entailed. Panama was certainly developing and to be frank, developing quite quickly it seemed like. And it was in that sentiment that got me thinking about this country in relation to others. Specificly Peace Corps service here compared to others. I realize that not there is probably not too many other Peace Corps countries that have a Hooters and a 3D movie theater and I'm almost positive that not very many countries that Peace Corps works in has such a high GDP as Panama did last year and is expected to have this year. Furthermore, I don't think very many countries where Peace Corps works is listed as one of the top places to travel by the New York Times.

I know it hasn't always been like that here and I can remember coming to Panama years ago and feeling like the country was asleep or something. I had just traveled from Costa Rica (every gringos jungle dream) where beer and food was still relatively cheap and hostels were fun and lively. I then crossed the border to find vast amounts of.....well....jungle, and tourists spots that seemed to be still trying to figure out what was going on. Boquete was boring, Bocas Island was Expensive and there was only two hostels to stay at of which neither looked appealing, and when I went to Panama City, it seemed besides the Canal there was nothing much else to do or see. Even Casco Viejo was in worse shape than it is today and that place is barely standing. I can remember that guide book saying that it wasn't worth going to and that getting stuck there after dark was dangerous.

Fast forward to today and we can see a different story. There is an actual road from David to Bocas del Toro with regular bus routes, every other building on Bocas Island is a hostel, and Casco Viejo is lively place with music and coffee shops where building are being restored. It's not every country that can pick up themselves up and start doing the right thing and I'm not saying that Panama is perfect but things are looking on the up and up. So much so that the good ol USA is starting to look a little pale in comparison. Now don't get me wrong, no mater what Panama does I will miss being the states, but the whole jobs market thing is looking a lot better here than in the states especially if you are bi-lingual and if you start missing home one can just hop into the nearest Friday's restaurant and grab some buffalo wings. Now I am talking about being in one of Panama's cities and not in a rural jungle community that has no power and very little resources, but my point is that I never thought I would be in working in country that is having a hard time finding enough skilled workers because there are so many public works projects going on.

This place is growing and while news from around the world keeps coming in about crashing markets, failing governments, and out of control unemployment, help wanted signs are going up here. I don't think very many Peace Corps volunteers get done with their service and realize that maybe things are looking better in their service country than they are back home. Makes you think.

Now for some music:       

Invasion

If someone from anywhere in the states were to walk up into my community right now they would be pretty confused. This is mostly because there is a traveling 7^th day Adventist church from the Dominican Republic here with a generator singing karaoke to church songs and jumping around. Then there are the scared indigenous watching this wondering where these people came from. Then there is Salomon and I sitting on my porch right next to them with our computers open while I write this and he stalks people on facebook. Mind you that there is no lights and we are pretty much in the jungle. I would be pretty confused.

One word about religion. Well many words. If you have read some of my past posts or know me well then you might know that I'm not what you would call a “believer” in the almighty. I respect other religions (the ones that don't have to do with aliens and magic) and my entire life I've pretty much just wanted to be left alone when it comes to religion. The way I see it, if I go directly to hell somehow then I guess that's my problem. It can't be worse than Fresno California and I've been there many times. Its when I see people trying to force a belief down the throats of others that I get a little perturbed. Rolling up with a generator and blasting Jesus music through the jungle for 3 hours a night for two weeks qualifies for that. Now when I get to the Not Happy point on my “leave me alone” meter is when that happens next to my shack of a house that has 2 inch spaces between the boards. The community didn't ask for this and I sure as hell didn't give permission to be kept up all night.

Now there are some people here that seem to be enjoying the service and some have told me that they are going to convert from evangelical to 7^th day now. I asked if it was because they gave out free bibles and they said yes with no hesitation. I really don't care that much and if these people want to follow Jesus or a big red tomato that dances to tango and rules from Mount Kilimanjaro that is their prerogative. What is not fair is when these people come in and tell them that dancing is the work of the devil so they need to stop doing their traditional dances. Or when they say that they need to start wearing shirts because Jesus doesn't like it. That is where I stop having just a problem with my space being invaded and start having a problem with their traditions being obliterated because an outsider says that some dude 2,000 years ago would not have liked it. Leave them alone. The world will be a boring place without dancing and boobies hanging out. Feel good that you are not going to hell and live your life how you want. Just don't make everything boring in this world and for gods sake don't tell the “heathen” locals to stop dancing and singing and practicing their traditions. And oh, don't bother the heathen gringo living in the community either.  

Visitors and the Darien

I went on a two week trip around the country that left me excited, tired, and wondering about my future. I first went on the mission of a lifetime that took me to the Darien on a 3 day trip just to get to my friend Carmen's site in Bayamon. Once there I helped the local artisan group decide on a name for their group, make a logo, and gave presentation about the group in my community and its successes with tourism and artisan sales. They seemed to be pretty excited about their future by the end of the meeting and I felt pretty good about it. The native Embera community was so different than the Ngabe that I thought I was in a different country. They seemed to have kept a lot more of their traditions and customs which is now paying off as many tourists really want to see it. One thing that I really liked was the hagua which is type of body paint that extracted from a plant. The paint lasts for about 2 weeks and I didn't really think about that before I went to pick up my friends from the airport. I also bought one of the nicest pieces of artisan work I have seen here in panama. A hand woven and dyed bowl that took the woman two weeks to make. The amazing colors and brightness of the Embera people really made me a little jealous as my people are very timid and have almost non of their culture left. Even the traditional dress that the Ngabes wear comes from christian converters trying to cover up their bare chests.

When I picked up my friends from the airport I really didn't know what to expect. I didn't even know if they were going to be on the flight as I had had limited contact with them in the weeks leading up. I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out how to use my diplomatic ID card but it was worth it as I was able to get them through all kinds of lines and was able to wait for them at the gate. It was crazy seeing some of my close friends after a year and a half. They hadn't changed much and actually seemed more grown up. Sonja, Noelle, and Natalie, were all quasi roommates of mine at one point and time in our lives and spending a week with them brought back so many memories I had forgotten about. It was great seeing them and I don't think I was completely prepared for their wanting to “spring break” so much. I guess I didn't realize that in the real world or the world back home at least that people don't really get the chance to take week and half long vacations. We had fun and they were more adventurous than I thought they would be. Going hiking into the jungle and getting to see baby sloths, and 500lb leatherback turtles up close were a couple highlights. One of the best highlights was probably going to the construction zone of the canal where they are building the new locks. Not very many people are allowed into this zone and only because of my close work with EWB got me permission to go in. It was pretty educational and fun as well.

The girls had fun or at least they told me they did and I did more nights of staying up late and sleeping on strange floors than I'm accustomed to. It went by fast and coming back to the community after being gone for so long but in the same country was a little weird. It seems that every time I leave for an extended period of time that the artisan group grows by leaps and bounds. This is mostly because they are. More and more I realize that they do not need me anymore and I find it hard to insert myself into what they are doing. I've had to step back and realize that this is where they will grow and become what they want to be and not what I helped them to be. Their new identity will be solely their own and I only hope that with the instruction and base that I have helped give them that they will be able to stand the test of time.

I'm still working hard trying to get the grinder equipment in and it has been over a year since we first started talking about it. It seems that with the help of EWB (Engineers without boarders) we are going to finally realize the project but there are still setbacks that keep popping up. Mostly trying to work with local vendors for the machinery is the biggest problem, but we hope to have that figured out soon.

Health update:

My freaking toe still hurts. I've had an ingrown toenail for months now and I keep cutting and digging into it to try to get it out. I'm slowing realizing that I'm going to have to have the nail peeled off which sounds terrible.

I realize that my broken foot has healed on its own. I'm not sure when, but it did.

My allergies are driving me nuts. Not sure why since they have been good for so long.

Grinders and Worms. This Land is NOT for sale

It sometimes seems that the things you work longest on are the things that fail the most often. Let me give you an example. I've been working with Mirna for about a month now creating this presentation for her to present as part of a Central American program for Chocolate. She is supposed to represent all of Panama and working with her has been more than challenging. Like many other women here she has an extremely low education level so basic concepts like not stopping for 5 min during your presentation and the concept of turning outlines into actual sentences have been almost impossible to get through. I spent a good deal of time getting the power point together including doing interviews and taking pictures and getting a large amount of information together and then putting it in Spanish. We also had to pay for her to get a passport and put together all the documents for the red tape of bringing chocolate across the borders of 6 different countries. She was supposed to leave tomorrow. Well, her mom got sick today apparently and now she is not going. She already left the community to go to the hospital.

I had been feeling pretty slow and my spanish was pretty terrible for about a week but didn't feel really sick. I was a little bit more tired during the day but thought it could have just been from the heat. Well it turns out I had another worm. This is the 4^th time I've had ascaris worm and my system seems to be getting used it. This time wasn't that bad and pretty much just made me a little slow.

Brian, our country director and the guy that is in charge of everything here actually came to my site. He doesn't get to go to many people's sites but he had the chance to come out to mine and it was pretty cool. We got to show him what we do here and we actually were able to join a tour that was going at the time. He seemed to have loved it. I had never really spent any time with him for obvious reasons and it was cool to hang out. I didn't realize how down to earth he was.

I have been working on getting the chlorination unit installed on our aqueduct for about 3 months now and it has almost been impossible to get the chlorination tablets. We finally got the tablets and my neighbor who is the president of the water comity already installed it. It seems that people don't mind the taste too much but I noticed right away that there is too much chlorine in the water. Of course the government agency that helped us put it together has no way of checking the level of chlorine that is coming out. They didn't even want to help us in the first place. The tablets are supposed to last 3 months but we will see if that is actually the case. I will probably go up next month to see how much of the tablets are left and hopefully we can make adjustments.

A meeting was called yesterday in the Community House which unfortunately sits directly next to my house. I noticed right away that I didn't recognize many of the people and that the group included a couple afro-antillians and some Latinos. So I dropped in and listened. It turns out that the Latino family which has lived at the very edge of the community next to ours for two generations got a notice that someone bought their land. This was to the surprise of the owner as he was not selling it. Turns out there is a corrupt lawyer here that is making false documents and selling land. So now this mess is happening and this guy and his poor family have to try to fight a lawyer and his client just to keep his property that has been in his family for 80 years. This is not un-common here and its the unfortunate result of property prices going up do to more gringos trying to move here.

One thing that absolutely blew me away was that here a town meeting was called that involved two communities just to help this man. Many things were said along the lines of “we should help our neighbors no matter what color” and “if we let them win this then they will just keep doing it and eventually get us”. There were also things said like “They will have to pull me off my property in a casket” and “we will fight anyone and everyone for what is right”. It was nice to see that these people see that getting together to help individuals is in their best interest and that working together will be the only way to fight the people that have money on their side.

The more and more I work with supposed aid groups and non-profits down here, the more I realize that most do it wrong and that most have no one that is actually regulating them or giving them any type of guidelines. There are exceptions and I think it has to do with the level of professionalism, organization, and down right want do something that is sustainable. I can't even tell you the amount of self-ego- boosting-wanna-be-social-work-non-profits there are out there doing work that can't even be considered a band aid. It's more like someone having an allergy to salt and instead of simply explaining to them that they can not have salt, you buy them expensive allergy medication that they are then taught will be the only way they can live and then after awhile you leave while they are left with no way to get more of the medication. What is more is that most of these groups go back home talking about all the “good'' that they did and how they saved this poor poor person that just didn't know any better. It's sad and I wish there was a sustainability governing body that could at least set guidelines for these groups. I'm not going to say that large organized aid groups don't do the same thing. I've seen that too. I will say that for the most part though, these “poor poor people” are living Guinea pigs for the developed world to come in and pretend like they doing something good so they can sleep at night.

Ok. Done ranting about that. Now to other updates:

It was raining almost non-stop when I was gone and I came home to an empty water tank. It seems that my neighbors were using it. I let them know that I was not happy about that. I then proceeded to my shower where I turned the shower on and the entire thing came crashing on to me while I was looking up at it and gouged my right now. So now I have a blue right eye socket with a cut.

The guy that was supposed to build our electric grinder bailed from Almirante and I was only able to find his phone number after talking to about 5 different neighbors of his. Luckily Engineers Without Borders got right on it and contacted him. Come to find out that he is close Panama city and someone from their group can check out the machine, pay for it, and get it sent here. They are also checking up on the solar panel system that we want to get to move the machine. Its all very exciting. Especially because we now have an organization to help us. We were really dead in the water with my engineering skills and because the guy that was supposed to build the machine moved away we were left in a tough spot.

I'm excited to be going to the Darien this month and then travel back to my site with some friends from home. The Darien is pretty crazy and I have to get all sorts of clearances to go. Should be great.

Until next time...

Hearts in Every Sense of the Word

I thought about writing a really descriptive dramatic post but I'm going to save you the drama and just lay it down. So my neighbors are back. If you have been reading any of my other posts you will know about the history of Clari. In short, she lost a baby last year when she was going into labor and the doctor was too busy with another patient. It is common here. So then about 3 months ago Clari starts getting bloated and her lungs fill up with fluid and she can barely walk or sleep. Well, after months of trying to figure out what the hell is going on with her via the Floating Doctors, it has all come to light pretty much today. It seems that she must have gotten an internal infection as a kid and it is now causing heart failure. It seems that she needs heart valve replacements. So there is that. We found that out today and she goes to David again sometime this week hopefully to take a bunch of tests and make sure that is what it is.

So, last night was Clari's first night back along with the rest of her family and I walk in to say hi and all that and I start talking with them about random things and notice that there is this random little girl sitting quietly watching TV. I've never seen her before. Come to find out, about a month ago, Clari's uncle had gotten drunk, fallen off a balcony and died leaving his kids behind. The mother abandoned the family years ago. So the kids got split up between the family members and Clari and Beli got the little girl they always wanted in Jovana. Here is the part that I was going to make dramatic; she is an adorable 6 year old and is constantly smiling. She is sweet, soft spoken and doesn't seem to affected one bit by the fact that her mom abandoned her, her dad just died, and she was forced away from her brothers and sisters to live with a new family. I've never seen anything like it and it really does warm my heart knowing that there are some of us that are able to keep giving love in this world even though it has done everything but give love to them. Of course its going to be hard for Beli and Clari to take care of the 3 kids now especially when Clari will need to go to the doctor and all that, but she is in good hands or least better hands than most other families in the community.

Jobs

I've been offered two jobs in the last week for some odd reason. Good ones too. I guess good work does not go unnoticed and the fact that my service has been so successful thus far is really showing I'm a valuable asset. I still have 7 months here and I don't plan on leaving early. There is just too much I want to do here and I really do believe that more small push in the right direction can get the artisan group to a new level of income.

Cacao

I now get someone asking me for cacao or our products to be shipped to the states about once a month. Some of these people read the articles I've put together or have done the tour. It is crazy. Of course the group is not ready to handle anything like that at this point and probably wont be for some time, but it is interesting and has got me thinking about the possibilities of bringing the chocolate products into the states when I'm done here. It would give me a chance to continue to help the community as well as maybe provide myself enough income to not be poor anymore.

Engineers

One of the tech people that will be part of the Engineers Without Borders group that will be coming here later in the year came to do a preliminary diagnostic on the river to see if it would be good for hydro electric. Alex was his name and he was great. The people from the artisan group showed up in good fashion too and there were about 5 of us that went all up and down the river looking at different locations. My favorite part was when I had to do depth calculations in the river in my clothes. Alex also looked at the spots we would like to build the office, restaurant, and the grinder room and we talked about what we could do to fix the water system here. Unfortunately we discovered that the river would not be a good place to do the hyrdo system as it has rocky cliffs, swells up to more than 30 times its size sometimes, and is a little far from the artisan house. So its back to solar power for our power needs. I was able to get a quote for a solar system that was reasonable and it looks like we would have enough money for it too. Another big problem that we ran into is that the person that was supposed to build the grinder has apparently skipped town and isn't coming back. I found that out after I got the door slammed on my face when I went to his house. I don't think the rest of the family is too excited about his departure.

My Health and Other Stuff

I haven't been sick with water born illnesses in awhile and its nice. I am pretty tired most times but that is normal for me when its a billion degrees outside.

I have started teaching English solely on the computer with Rosetta Stone and the students love it. We used the funds we got from the chocolate fund raiser in Boquete to buy the solar panel and all that and now we have it all set up. I have to pull them off of the computer sometimes because they just want to keep going on it. They now know how to start the computer and the program too so pretty soon they will be able to do it themselves. Good stuff.

My heart has been acting up. I'm not sure why but I've had a little bit of chest pain and sometimes trouble sleeping because of it. I can't even touch coffee right now and when I do it feels like my heart is going to blow out of my chest. I'm coming to the reality that I will have to have another surgery and that I might have to get it checked out while I'm here. I've been waiting on this just in case the Peace Corps wants to kick me out because of it. If I have to get another surgery or there is any concern they would send me home for sure to get it done and I'm sure I would not be allowed to come back. I still have too much work to be done here so I'm going to wait on that until I'm positive that things are going as good as they can go here.

I'm helping the Mirna in my community put together her presentation for the Women of Chocolate conference in Guatemala still. I got all the wording down good and it pretty much just needs the slides to be put together. She still doesn't understand the information or how the slides work but I'm sick of explaining the same thing 10 times. I told her to practice and get back to me.

I don't know if I mentioned this before but I met a lady in my community that lost half of her children to sickness. Half. She started with 10 and has five now. She laughed and said they were “gifted back” to the sky. She is a pretty happy lady and the only one in my community with a gold tooth. I spent an evening once playing dominoes with her kids while it was pouring down rain. Can you imagine someone in the states loosing half of their kids and joking about it or even being able to function. It sometimes amazes me how much emotional strength these people have. There is something to be said that they have no choice so being tough mentally is a coping mechanism. But still....  

Pifa Spikes and Dragon Tattoos

I've been in site for almost a month straight now and it's not as easy as it sounds let me tell you. Of course nothing is easy when you live in the jungle. Speaking of jungle the government has decided to extend our road to the next community which is about an 40 min hike from here. That's actually part of the reason that it has been so crummy these last couple weeks. Well that and I made a fried hotdog sandwich after not eating meat for two weeks and nearly threw it up shortly after. Back to the road. The noise is ridiculous and the tractors don't seem to be trying to save any of the forest that's for sure. It is just non stop noise and that combined with the recent heat and being sick is really trying my nerves. I also fell and put my entire hand into a Pifa tree which is the tree with all the spikes coming out of it. So I've been pulling barbs out of my hand for the last three days and dousing my hand in alcohol. One of the barbs went so deep I'm pretty sure it was half way through my hand. 

On top of all that I decided to read the book The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo which is a good book but not the best pick me up book that's for sure.

So the good stuff: Well, I've had the chance to go to more meeting here which is always good. I've also been able to give english classes every day and have started helping the artisan women with her power point presentation. In other news, when I decided to give the spine tree a high five a local medicine man put a mixture of medicinal plants and boa constrictor fat on my hand and I swear to god that it smelled felt and looked exactly like Icy Hot. Pretty crazy. I guess now we know what plant it comes from. The road is also a good thing too even though its tearing down some jungle. People up that way will be able to bring their cacao to market easier and the older people that live up that way will have easier access to the road and to the hospital. So not everything is bad. I'm also getting pretty excited to spend the weekend surfing on the island. Or I hope to at least. I know that it is going to be crazy out there this weekend as it the beginning of Carnival.

Other noteworthy stuff: I shaved all my hair off and took a razor to my face for the 4^th time in my life. I had to. It is too damn hot down here. I'm looking forward to the Twins plus Sonja to come visit me next month and I'm secretly planning a trip to Jamaica that is not a secret anymore I guess. I think that will happen in May. Until the next time. Peace.  

Trapped

It has been a trying past 10 days to say the least. The weather has been unhinged in a constant battle between blasting rays of sunlight and fierce unrelenting downpours that seem to come from nowhere, for 4 of those days I had a bout of Giardia that left me more than hopeless as I spent my days either clenching my stomach rolled up in a ball on my wood floor or running to the latrine to relieve what seemed to be my burning intestines, and Clari, my neighbor with the heart condition couldn't make her appointment and still has trouble breathing. This seems like a lot of stuff going on. That's because it is. But all of these things were suddenly made much worse by strikes and protests going on. Without getting into too much detail or taking sides, the natives here are protesting the governments decision to put a huge mine and hydroelectric dam on their land which would have large ecological effects. So to protest this the natives here, which make up a quarter million people, blocked all the roads going pretty much anywhere using trees, tires, and whatever else they could put.

This was all made worse when the government decided to use riot police and bulldozers, and then shut off cell phone signal instead of sitting down and talking with the locals. This led to nation wide protests as dead bodies were then posted on the internet which then led to the government sitting down with them today. What is still going on here is the blockage of all roads which has left our tour and all chocolate sales crippled as well as trying to get anywhere. There have been people stuck on Bocas island for almost two weeks now (I would have swam home by then), and there is no more power or gasonline in Almirante or Bocas island which makes it hard to use a motorized boat to back and forth.

In the meantime, I got extremely sick and Clari missed her appointment because everything was blocked.

Staying in site for extended periods of time is something I usually do not do. For the most part I try to get to at least Almirante once a week to buy what I call vegetables and the locals call small trees that don't taste good. All this time in site has enabled me to attend more meetings and give my english classes every day. I've also started to work with Mirna for her power point presentation which is as ridiculous as I thought it would be. My favorite parts of the time with her are the times that I ask a question about something that should be an easy answer and she stares at me and says “how am I supposed to know that”? Most of this is because from a very young age here the people are taught in the schools that imagination, creativity, and critical thinking aren't important. Most of this is done by lazy teachers who like to teach class by writing something on the board and telling the kids to copy it. I can't tell you (its because I don't remember) how many times I've had to yell at people to pay to attention to what the hell I was saying instead of trying to copy every syllable of every word I put on the board. Hence the surprised blank stares when I ask someone to think in a different way and the terribly mundane artisan goods we have here.

Mirna is going to need more than a lot of work to get to the point where she is going to feel comfortable presenting in front of a bunch of strangers. Especially using a computer, which she has only seen a couple times and never used up until this point. She also has been charged with the duty of bringing back all the information she learns from the other chocolate producing ladies in the other countries that she goes to which will either be as easy as copying their power point presentations or as hard as copying their power point presentations. In either case it will be a great experience and she is learning a lot.

As for my English students, much progress has been seen. Especially in Lenny, the gay outcast of community who has made more improvement than I though possible. I really thought he would drop out as I have been tough on all of my 2 students about studying and regularly scold them for not doing so. Lately I've been trying more carrots than sticks. I really thought that there was no way this kid was ever going to be a guide. I've changed my mind. Ceni who is Samuel's daughter has a great base for English as she took a year of it in school but she misses a lot of classes. And then there are the random people that show up to class that heard from someone else that I was giving English class. They usually last one day after they realize that we are past the basics. I usually give them a lot of homework to see how serious they are about studying and they usually don't come back.

I've actually found that to be a good strategy down here. To make things just a little hard that is. I've found that you can gauge how serious is about a project or learning something or even doing a basic task by challenging them just a little. Many people here were asking me about water tanks for their house and after I told them they could make their own for only $40 (which they have) how many people showed up to the workshop I put on. One. And he showed up almost every day to do the work and to learn. I don't have people asking me anymore.

Other news: I looked in the mirror the other day and realized that being sick for 4 days and not shaving for 2 weeks is a good way to save money on a Halloween mask. I looked haggard to say the least and my protruding amebic belly didn't make me look any better. Now that I've had a solid bowel movement I'm starting to get back to normal. I also shaved and started doing pull ups every day. It is amazing how different someone can look when they loose a little bit of weight from their face.

The Engineers Without Boarders Panama Chapter is now planning on sending a specialist to take a look at our hdro electric possibilities and possibly bring a generator and some community water filters. If they can deliver on half of what we are talking about then we would be in great shape. The idea for the generator is to provide enough power for now to possibly get the machine and start using while we figure out a long term solution.

This month I have promised myself to start surfing again in the island, not go to Panama City, and not get sick again. We shall see....