Defining Moment

I stepped off the bus as the musky thick air rushed my face. The difference in climate between Bocas and the mountains of Volcan is remarkable. I had just gotten back from a semi lavish Thanksgiving event involving most of the Peace Corps volunteers here in Panama. The event is a much needed rest for some and a chance to not sleep for others. In any case, it is and was a much looked forward to gathering of epic proportions. The food, the wine, the hot showers, the fluffy down bedding, the crisp mountain air cool and forgiving. Perfect. Of course the best part is always getting to share it with friends. Hanging out with the guys, particularly the ones from my group, is something I've started to look forward to more and more and being so spread out definitely doesn't make that easy.

As I started walking down the dark bamboo lined road I started thinking about my time here and what it really means. As of late I've gone into these philosophical questions and as I keep asking myself what my place in this crazy world should be. As of right now I'm doing what I want to. I'm helping people help themselves and the best part is that I get to see the reward from it. I'm realizing that it's the sacrifices I've made that now make me question my place. Every time I get ill and weak and can't think straight and just want to sit in air conditioning, I ask myself if I'm really doing enough to justify my existence in this place. Of course the answer is always yes, but with only 10 months left of service I simultaneously feel rushed and underwhelmed. The artisan group is busier than ever and I know they must be one of the busiest in Bocas. There is just not much time for anything other than hard physical work. Grinding chocolate, chopping weeds all day, wrapping chocolate, tending to the cacao trees, having meetings, making compost. These are some of the things. What is my place now. Here. Now that we are busy. Now that we have things to do. Pushing for excellence isn't the point and shouldn't be done at this time as pushing them too hard will cause problems and look for the easy way out.

I sometimes wake up now thinking that I'm a different person. That is a weird statement that could be taken in a couple different ways so let me explain. I wake up non-defined. I wake up with a blank mind. It doesn't matter what my friends do back home. I haven't seen most the people I love for awhile and not as often as I should and I'm different because of it. Not bad. Not good. Just different. I'm not defined by the things I once had. I'm not defined by my ambitions. And I'm certainly not defined by the people I know half way around the world. What I am defined by here are my actions and my words. They mean everything. I work, I'm a worker. I take charge, I'm a leader. This is something that is different than back home. It takes getting used to. It's not better. It's not worse. It's different.

My thoughts and mood have changed in the last month and for good reason. The holidays are approaching and it's always a weird time. I've always had mixed feelings about the holidays as it was always a time of turmoil and indifference for me. A time of stress. Great stress. Especially as a kid. I do remember Christmases/ Hanukkahs that I enjoyed and I definitely liked Thanksgiving as a kid, but for the most part, holidays remind me of times that weren't so happy and that had nothing to do with how many or how expensive the presents were that I got. I can't pinpoint why those times seem so dark for me. I guess it was the shuffling back and forth between my dad and mom's houses and the expectations and the step brothers, mothers, and dad's and the lack of attention combined with a complete distrust of parents and authority all together. I'm sure someday a shrink can figure it out. In the meantime. Here. In this place now. Something has changed. I'm on the way out. I'm starting to think about my future. I've realized things like I want kids. Soon. A whole bunch of defining things that are yet to be defined.

When only the words you speak make you the person you are, you have more at stake. When each word you speak carries this kind of weight it is only natural to make each syllable count as your mistakes and triumphs may resonate for the span of a lifetime.