Less Than Four Months Left

Life is back to normal. Well back to normal for here at least. The heat is unbearably unbearable, time has seemed to stop in place, and I spend long swaths of the day with my eyes glued to a book that I would have never picked up in the states. The novelty of my return has been short and most people just simply ask where I've been. My water tank is nearly dry, the energy in my car battery used to charge things almost empty, and cell service gone for the last 5 days. But, and this is a big but, I have my health. It has been months since I have been sick with any worms or parasites. That is, to my knowledge at least. There is the off chance that I do have something and my body has finally built up some type of normal immunity or at least learned that these things aren't going away anytime soon so they might as well get snug. In fact its been since we were locked in site for that greater part of the month when I had 3 days shitting my pants and clutching my stomach in pain due to something that no will ever be able to tell since I've been sick. 

On return from the states I bought soccer cleats. There were two reasons for this. One being that I need something to do for an hour a day, and two being that as soon as I got back from the states everyone I ran into commented that I had gained a bunch of weight. That probably isn't a bad thing and ever since I've gone totally vegetarian I've noticed my stomach get a little out there, but it is all a reminder that I haven't been getting much exercise. Lets just say that my first practice almost sent me to the hospital. I limped off the field with my muscles barely hanging on to my flesh from fatigue. Its taken me 4 days to recoup and today is more practice. 

I'm stuck in a weird zone now where I don't have much time left here but I do. Peace Corps tells us to start winding everything down and still have more than 3 months left. At the same time everyone is talking about my going away party and how they want to claim certain things in my house when I leave. I'm having a raffle for everything which seems to be the fairest thing to do. All this talk though gets me excited for a second until I realize that I have more than 100 days left here and that most of that will be spent waiting. I do have a great deal of work planned such as my 8 day workshop that I hope to start next week which will coincide with us getting some new computers. And there is a whole new tourism project with another group that I'm trying to help out with now which involves a lot of logistics and making promotional materials. There is also my student which I help every day and whom is doing an outstanding job. 

If I have started to reflect upon my time here I have only been thinking of one thing really and that is the fact that helping others (including other living things including animals such as baby hummingbirds) really does make one feel better. It could be argued that it is an selfish thing itself. Seeing how I've helped these people even in the smallest amount has really kept me going this whole time and without I'de have been a wreck. I do realize that most volunteers spin their wheels for a long in service and I have had my fair share of that too, but with the great successes I've had I feel good. Even the small things like being able to have a full conversation with my English student puts a smile on my heart. You can't see it. But its there. 

Back To The Jungle

This is the first blog post on my new MacBook Air. That's right, after a lifetime of PCs, and I mean we had the first home PC available in my house, I have switched over to the competitor. The last time I used a mac was during my lunch breaks as a kid in the computer lab. That's right, I spent my lunch breaks in the computer lab and not because I was a computer whiz but because I was just a dork and had no friends in 8th grade. But enough of my heartbreaking childhood lets talk about what the crap I've been doing for the last month. 

For the 4 people that read this you probably already know that I went to the states to see friends and family for awhile. I went to beautiful Tahoe, CA for over two weeks and traded hot and humid for snowy and cold. It wasn't cold the entire time and the place is more magical than I ever imagined or remember which was mostly due to the fact that I had a great guide and we has some amazing weather halfway through my trip. By great guide I'm talking about Michelle who you could say was my anchor the entire time in Tahoe. We are not technically "dating" but I think both our hopes are that we will be once my time here is done. In this trip I was also able to see my parents, brothers, sister, and friends. It was a blast and also shock to my system of sorts. I knew that going back to the states for that long so close to my time ending here would be highly un advisable but I wanted to do it anyways. When I'm done here I have my sights set on South America and not seeing my friends or family for more than a year was going to be hard. It was hard coming back though and when the plane landed back in Panama I tried to rally myself and get myself ready for another 4 months. 

As most know it has not been an easy ride in these last 2 years here and lately there has been a lot of excess time in site that has started to bring me down. Even coming back I've tried to get myself ready to keep myself busy but it has been hard. The heat kills me and it seems that sometimes time itself has stopped. What does keep me going is seeing the smiles on peoples faces here and knowing that they care about me. The work that I have planned for my last three months will be the most important in making sure that Oreba Chocolate stays sustainable and growing and that is important. I'm also excited to start working with Jon who wants to do his waterfall tour. 

Flying from the States back to here really put things into perspective. Again. It took twice as long to get from L.A. to Miami than it did from Miami to Panama City and getting off the plane the difference isn't quite so noticeable. Even taking a non air conditioned taxi in the blaring heat through unmarked crowded streets could have been reminiscent of L.A. It really didn't hit me until I made it about an hour out of the city and saw the shanty houses and trash that I had been so accustomed too in the past. The terrible lines for buses that no one seems to mind. The lack of healthy food options. And just the sense that no one cares about the people that have nothing in this country. All over again it made me mad that in a country where so many rich people live and where the government has spent billions on infrastructure this year that the education system that is ranked one of the worst in the world only seems to get worse with no bottom in site. It makes you think. Does a government run by rich people even want the poor classes to have the education needed to become part of the power in this country. What would happen if an indigenous person were to "make it" and run for office where you have a country that is overwhelmingly indigenous? 

I digress. I love the people here and there are many who want to see the country do better including many gringos. The government is right to re-invest the earnings from the canal into subways and rail lines and advertising for tourism. They want this to be the new Costa Rica. Or I thought they did until reading that Panama will loose the the "World Heritage Site" distinction for Cioba along with millions of dollars because the government hasn't put any money into protecting it and they refuse to respond to the UN about what is going on there. Get your damn head out of your ass Panama. You are so close to making this place a great place to live for the people and animals that are already here!

I digress again. I'm happy to be back. Here are some random updates on stuff:

- Lady next door had her 11th child of which is another girl. That makes 8 girls in a row and there is no dad in the house. There is only one boy in the house who is 18 years old and he is pretty much keeping the family together. What is amazing is that the girls never complain and are always smiling. They are one small problem away from disaster though and that worries me. 

- I bought soccer cleats yesterday so I can start practicing soccer everyday as my tummy has seemed to balloon after having the chance to eat what ever I like in the states. Will be having a six pack in no time. 

- Trying to bring back 60 pounds of computers from the states is a bad idea. Especially when the wheel breaks on the luggage and I have to carry that and my regular luggage on my back for a mile!

- Starting to nail down what I want to do when I'm done here and it has everything to do with chocolate. :) 

 4 more months. Here we go...

Give Me Money

It is a normal thing for a Peace Corps Volunteer to be asked for money during their service. I don't think that I have talked to one volunteer that has not had that experience. We are mostly white and white people are associated with having money. I've had it happen many times and every time I have said no. A big reason for that is that if you give just a little than you will most likely be called upon to give more. Another reason is that giving out money can be tricky business. It can wreck relationships between you and community members and it can put you in awkward situations. Plus, we don't have that much money to just be giving out. I, myself, have to use my own money every month just to survive in this country just because I end up having to travel a lot for the artisan group. Probably the biggest reason I do not like giving money out is because I know for sure that every person in this community has a farm and in that farm are countless things to eat. And if there are not things to eat out of your farm then that was your own damn fault for not making sure that things you can eat were not growing in it.

That is why when the little girl that lives a couple houses down from me asked for two dollars and fifty cents I said no. I had just visited her house as I have for past couple days mostly for the reason that her mom is insanely pregnant and when the doctors came by they had told her that the baby was in an awkward position. For those of you read the other posts on my blog dealing with babies in my community you will know why I'm concerned. As a Peace Corps volunteer and especially as a Community Economic Development volunteer our job really has nothing to do with healthcare. I know that there are some Peace Corps posts that deal with that but Panama is definitely not one of them. This country has an incredible amount of income coming in and it has the best hospitals in Latin America (Thats why I got placed here), its just that none of that ever sees the poor people here. For this lady to get a sonogram it would cost her $20 at the least. She makes zero dollars. So back to the girl asking for money. I said no. Then I got to thinking. This is the woman's 10^th kid and all of the kids in her family have to take care of the younger one all the way from 20 years old down to the 1 year old. Her husband abandoned her in a drunken rage one night and went to live with another lady in a different community. He hasn't been back in 4 months. It took three guys to pull him out of the house because he was yelling and threatening her. I starting thinking that I knew that she has a farm because I have talked to her about it. In fact she has a big farm. And I knew that she had kids old enough to work in the farm. I decided I was OK with my decision and kept on reading my book. That was until I realized that I was reading without really reading. I was just thinking about her laying down there on her porch on her side unable to move from the weight of the baby and the insane heat of the day.

I needed a second opinion so I went over to my other neighbors house and asked there. I found out that the older kids were at school and that the oldest had a foot problem and could not make it to the farm. Shit, was the first word that came to mind. I instantly felt bad. I headed back into my place grabbed exactly the two dollars and fifty cents she had sent her five year old to ask me for and headed over to her house. Upon arriving at her house I noticed the girl that had been sent to ask me for the money below the house with a machete trying to dig roots out of where the sink water drains out into. I instantly felt worse. She wasn't trying to extort me just because I had been visiting her. The family of mostly small children was actually hungry and were about to have the five year old girl dig for roots in the dirty water of their kitchen disposal. I told her to come back in and I went up the stairs where I found Gloria laying on her side on the porch, her extremely pregnant belling protruding out like a beached whale. As I handed over the money something still pulled on me telling me that I was being a sucker and that they had plenty of food inside. You would think that everything up until this point would have told me otherwise. So I gave my speech about how I can not usually do this and that she should plant more stuff in her farm and that her older kids need to find a way to get money. I felt proud about my speech and thought to myself that I was only trying to help. That was until she told me that the older kid had just got back from the farm and that all the food they had growing was too small to harvest right now but that the same older kid was going to market with the cacao tomorrow and she could pay me back. I felt like an idiot and to make it worse the following happened: She then asked the five year old, that was now trying to handle the three year old and the one year old, if the banana truck which comes by once a day had left already. Of course it had as I had spent all this time giving speeches and figuring out if I should give her a measly two dollars and fifty cents. I felt failure crawl through my blood as I explained that maybe someone else in town had something she could buy eat knowing that that would be hard right now. She thanked me for being kind as I left just to drive the dagger between my heart and the rest of my body to make sure that the separation was complete.

Other stuff:

My toe seems to be healing I guess. It doesn't hurt at all but there is this crazy hole where the nail used to be. I'm pretty sure that the nail is just going to grow right back into there.

I'm hoping to buy soccer cleats this weekend to play on our team here.

I've been scrambling a little bit trying to figure out how the hell to get a cacao grinder here. It has been over a year now since we started looking for a grinder to buy when I get back from vacation I will have four months to get it here and working.

I'm going back home for almost three weeks. Going to see friends and family. Can't wait. I will be bringing back 62 lbs of computers back with me because I can get two free ones for my community if I do so for a local non profit.

I've been hard to work on a marketing and sales workshop for the artisan group. They will need it with the increase in capacity that the grinder will provide.

It has been hot as hell and after carrying bags of sand on my back with the artisan group all day yesterday my legs finally broke out with heat rash. It's the real first heat rash I've had this year and I'm hoping that I can control it with keeping it cool and wet. Last year was absolutely miserable when I had it. It usually goes away with a couple nights in an air conditioned hotel which I will have soon so I'm not worried too much about that

My English/Tourism student is doing well and is to the point where he can have small conversations. I'm really surprised at his advancement and determination. He told me the speech that he tells the tourist which includes things like “Adam Armstrong taught me English so I can be a tour guide and I appreciate it because I do not have enough money to go to school to learn English”. Teaching every day is not too bad even though it can be trying sometimes after a long hot day. I'm secretly trying to get him a computer too as I think he is one of the kids with the most potential here.  

Bocas Baseball and Toe Damage

Lets see, where do I start? I know. The bad news first. So my negligibility came to bite me in the ass again and this time in the form of a hangnail. I was convinced that the damn thing was just a phase that would pass like the crazy amount of gringos that come here to think they are going to “live” the dream. I find that they just need to live the reality. Anywho, I waited and waited and my big toe got more and more gross. Red. Infected. Smelt like a sewage treatment plant that had broken down years ago but still had raw sewage being pumped into it. You get the point. If only I had gone to the doctor at the first sign of discomfort I would not have had to rely on the archaic methods I did which trying to cut the side of the toenail off lengthwise and then ripping the nail out that had at this point hooked its way into what felt like the center of my toe. My god that was a terrible idea.

Note to everyone, don't put off to tomorrow what you can do today and if you think things will just go away on their own like I like to do then you you are either going to end up with two distinct things and nothing else. One is a bloody big toe that the doctor has just ripped a jagged piece of nail out of along with cutting out and yanking half of what is left of your toe. The other is most likely going to be a really shitty term paper that was thrown together while trying to nurse a hangover with caffeine and hot pockets. I've done both. It was lucky for me that I've always had a knack for writing and could churn out a respectable paper no matter what. It was not lucky for me that I had tried to give myself surgery without anesthesia. And it was downright stupid to wait for months while my demonic toenail sent from the underbelly of hell itself dug its way towards the middle of my toe while slicing its way through any and everything it could therefore turning my toe into a red infected chunk of dead meat hanging out next to my other toes.

Ok. Enough of that. Lets talk about happy things. It rained today thank god. My water tank was pretty much down to its last drop and that was going to mean going to the river to bath with an open sore. Also, I heard that humans need to drink water to survive so I will be trying that out now that I have plenty.

Directly after my excruciatingly painful impromptu surgery by one of Changuinola's finest doctors that made me wait until he could position the antenna on the tv just right before he could cut into my hemorrhaging toe, I went to the Bocas Baseball game. Now this might catch you by surprise and if it has I'm very sorry and please give me a chance to explain. This was not just any ol baseball game, this was game three of the World Series of Baseball (of just Panama) and Bocas was up two games to none. Tickets were hard to come by but I had my connections and had my ticket in hand as the good ol doctor Whack a Mole was hacking away at my foot digits. So I hobbled out of the Clinica San Jose and onto the dirt road where I soon chased a taxi as fast as a turtle chases....well...anything, and I was off. I met my friends in front of the stadium and after the horse tranquilizers that they gave me for the pain kicked in I felt perfectly sane and comfortable sitting on a plastic beer box with a view of almost nothing that was so far away from any player that I couldn't make out any of the numbers on their backs for 7 hours. We won which was the important thing and I didn't get my toe stomped into oblivion every time we scored and the people behind, in front, to the sides, and somehow underneath me, went into convulsive fits while hurling copious amounts alcohol into the air. I'm not kidding about this. Like I ever kid anyways. Apparently someone scoring at a baseball game here is a perfectly good reason to swing your drink around in the sky until there is none left in said container.

I actually enjoyed it and I think I would have even without the Dr. Mole tranquilizers. Having attended many baseball games in the states I can attest that they are boring. And by boring I mostly mean that its not that rowdy. Now, I've never been to a final game of anything until now so I don't know if baseball finals are different in the states but here its just turned up to 11 no doubt. You've got half the people paying to get in standing in every crevice of the ballpark, the constant and I mean constant pounding away by the band who is seated in the stands, two dollar bags of fried chicken with banana chips, hand horns, car horns, bus horns, and whistles constantly going off, and people screaming at the refs. Its good entertainment and worth my five bucks any day...

A little sumpthin sumpthin and some new/old music

So I don't do this often but I wanted to post the rough draft of something I wrote for a Peace Corps newspaper. Also, I found some music that I recorded about 7 years ago. I have no idea how I found it but I like it and hope you do too. First, here is the article:

When you here the word “developing” when attached to the word “country” one tends to think of dirt roads, confusing road signs, rampant government corruption, and hot climates. At least those were the first things that came to my mind when I signed up for the Peace Corps to work in Community Economic development in Central America. When I got the notice that I was going to Panama to serve I quickly added “jungle” to the list. It should be said that not every developing country fits into all of those parameters and that my assumptions about the developing world in Latin America were heavily based on terrible action movies that may or may not have accurately portrayed the atmosphere and political organization here. I had also had the chance to visit Panama for about a month almost 6 years ago so I thought I had had a pretty good idea of what I was getting myself into which in reality was also a false.

It wasn't until after my first year here did I really start thinking about this notion of the “developing world” and what definition entailed. Panama was certainly developing and to be frank, developing quite quickly it seemed like. And it was in that sentiment that got me thinking about this country in relation to others. Specificly Peace Corps service here compared to others. I realize that not there is probably not too many other Peace Corps countries that have a Hooters and a 3D movie theater and I'm almost positive that not very many countries that Peace Corps works in has such a high GDP as Panama did last year and is expected to have this year. Furthermore, I don't think very many countries where Peace Corps works is listed as one of the top places to travel by the New York Times.

I know it hasn't always been like that here and I can remember coming to Panama years ago and feeling like the country was asleep or something. I had just traveled from Costa Rica (every gringos jungle dream) where beer and food was still relatively cheap and hostels were fun and lively. I then crossed the border to find vast amounts of.....well....jungle, and tourists spots that seemed to be still trying to figure out what was going on. Boquete was boring, Bocas Island was Expensive and there was only two hostels to stay at of which neither looked appealing, and when I went to Panama City, it seemed besides the Canal there was nothing much else to do or see. Even Casco Viejo was in worse shape than it is today and that place is barely standing. I can remember that guide book saying that it wasn't worth going to and that getting stuck there after dark was dangerous.

Fast forward to today and we can see a different story. There is an actual road from David to Bocas del Toro with regular bus routes, every other building on Bocas Island is a hostel, and Casco Viejo is lively place with music and coffee shops where building are being restored. It's not every country that can pick up themselves up and start doing the right thing and I'm not saying that Panama is perfect but things are looking on the up and up. So much so that the good ol USA is starting to look a little pale in comparison. Now don't get me wrong, no mater what Panama does I will miss being the states, but the whole jobs market thing is looking a lot better here than in the states especially if you are bi-lingual and if you start missing home one can just hop into the nearest Friday's restaurant and grab some buffalo wings. Now I am talking about being in one of Panama's cities and not in a rural jungle community that has no power and very little resources, but my point is that I never thought I would be in working in country that is having a hard time finding enough skilled workers because there are so many public works projects going on.

This place is growing and while news from around the world keeps coming in about crashing markets, failing governments, and out of control unemployment, help wanted signs are going up here. I don't think very many Peace Corps volunteers get done with their service and realize that maybe things are looking better in their service country than they are back home. Makes you think.

Now for some music:       

Invasion

If someone from anywhere in the states were to walk up into my community right now they would be pretty confused. This is mostly because there is a traveling 7^th day Adventist church from the Dominican Republic here with a generator singing karaoke to church songs and jumping around. Then there are the scared indigenous watching this wondering where these people came from. Then there is Salomon and I sitting on my porch right next to them with our computers open while I write this and he stalks people on facebook. Mind you that there is no lights and we are pretty much in the jungle. I would be pretty confused.

One word about religion. Well many words. If you have read some of my past posts or know me well then you might know that I'm not what you would call a “believer” in the almighty. I respect other religions (the ones that don't have to do with aliens and magic) and my entire life I've pretty much just wanted to be left alone when it comes to religion. The way I see it, if I go directly to hell somehow then I guess that's my problem. It can't be worse than Fresno California and I've been there many times. Its when I see people trying to force a belief down the throats of others that I get a little perturbed. Rolling up with a generator and blasting Jesus music through the jungle for 3 hours a night for two weeks qualifies for that. Now when I get to the Not Happy point on my “leave me alone” meter is when that happens next to my shack of a house that has 2 inch spaces between the boards. The community didn't ask for this and I sure as hell didn't give permission to be kept up all night.

Now there are some people here that seem to be enjoying the service and some have told me that they are going to convert from evangelical to 7^th day now. I asked if it was because they gave out free bibles and they said yes with no hesitation. I really don't care that much and if these people want to follow Jesus or a big red tomato that dances to tango and rules from Mount Kilimanjaro that is their prerogative. What is not fair is when these people come in and tell them that dancing is the work of the devil so they need to stop doing their traditional dances. Or when they say that they need to start wearing shirts because Jesus doesn't like it. That is where I stop having just a problem with my space being invaded and start having a problem with their traditions being obliterated because an outsider says that some dude 2,000 years ago would not have liked it. Leave them alone. The world will be a boring place without dancing and boobies hanging out. Feel good that you are not going to hell and live your life how you want. Just don't make everything boring in this world and for gods sake don't tell the “heathen” locals to stop dancing and singing and practicing their traditions. And oh, don't bother the heathen gringo living in the community either.  

Visitors and the Darien

I went on a two week trip around the country that left me excited, tired, and wondering about my future. I first went on the mission of a lifetime that took me to the Darien on a 3 day trip just to get to my friend Carmen's site in Bayamon. Once there I helped the local artisan group decide on a name for their group, make a logo, and gave presentation about the group in my community and its successes with tourism and artisan sales. They seemed to be pretty excited about their future by the end of the meeting and I felt pretty good about it. The native Embera community was so different than the Ngabe that I thought I was in a different country. They seemed to have kept a lot more of their traditions and customs which is now paying off as many tourists really want to see it. One thing that I really liked was the hagua which is type of body paint that extracted from a plant. The paint lasts for about 2 weeks and I didn't really think about that before I went to pick up my friends from the airport. I also bought one of the nicest pieces of artisan work I have seen here in panama. A hand woven and dyed bowl that took the woman two weeks to make. The amazing colors and brightness of the Embera people really made me a little jealous as my people are very timid and have almost non of their culture left. Even the traditional dress that the Ngabes wear comes from christian converters trying to cover up their bare chests.

When I picked up my friends from the airport I really didn't know what to expect. I didn't even know if they were going to be on the flight as I had had limited contact with them in the weeks leading up. I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out how to use my diplomatic ID card but it was worth it as I was able to get them through all kinds of lines and was able to wait for them at the gate. It was crazy seeing some of my close friends after a year and a half. They hadn't changed much and actually seemed more grown up. Sonja, Noelle, and Natalie, were all quasi roommates of mine at one point and time in our lives and spending a week with them brought back so many memories I had forgotten about. It was great seeing them and I don't think I was completely prepared for their wanting to “spring break” so much. I guess I didn't realize that in the real world or the world back home at least that people don't really get the chance to take week and half long vacations. We had fun and they were more adventurous than I thought they would be. Going hiking into the jungle and getting to see baby sloths, and 500lb leatherback turtles up close were a couple highlights. One of the best highlights was probably going to the construction zone of the canal where they are building the new locks. Not very many people are allowed into this zone and only because of my close work with EWB got me permission to go in. It was pretty educational and fun as well.

The girls had fun or at least they told me they did and I did more nights of staying up late and sleeping on strange floors than I'm accustomed to. It went by fast and coming back to the community after being gone for so long but in the same country was a little weird. It seems that every time I leave for an extended period of time that the artisan group grows by leaps and bounds. This is mostly because they are. More and more I realize that they do not need me anymore and I find it hard to insert myself into what they are doing. I've had to step back and realize that this is where they will grow and become what they want to be and not what I helped them to be. Their new identity will be solely their own and I only hope that with the instruction and base that I have helped give them that they will be able to stand the test of time.

I'm still working hard trying to get the grinder equipment in and it has been over a year since we first started talking about it. It seems that with the help of EWB (Engineers without boarders) we are going to finally realize the project but there are still setbacks that keep popping up. Mostly trying to work with local vendors for the machinery is the biggest problem, but we hope to have that figured out soon.

Health update:

My freaking toe still hurts. I've had an ingrown toenail for months now and I keep cutting and digging into it to try to get it out. I'm slowing realizing that I'm going to have to have the nail peeled off which sounds terrible.

I realize that my broken foot has healed on its own. I'm not sure when, but it did.

My allergies are driving me nuts. Not sure why since they have been good for so long.