Boild Corn Drink and Full Latrines

The sleeping situation last night was not optimal. The jagged boards stabbed my back and my makeshift pillow using my mosquito net bag full of my clothes came apart in the middle of the night. For that reason I slept off and on all day. Its been a hard day but not the kind of hard that comes with work or learning or anything of that nature. Its been the kind of hard that makes you ask yourself tough questions. Questions like “why am I here”, “can I last the full two years”, “did I make the right decision”, “what am I missing back home”, and “do I have what it takes to do this”. These are all important questions and before today on most days I would have answered favorably to all of them. There are many contributing factors to me asking myself these questions and at the risk of sounding like I'm complaining here they are:

1. I got sick twice, broke my foot, and can't figure out why my allergies are so bad.
2. I miss the female gender in general already and it's only been about 3 months.
3. I had boiled corn drink for dinner and boiled plantains for breakfast and I'm hungry as hell.
4. I keep having this damn reoccurring dream about a certain person that makes me want to punch myself when I wake up.
5. I miss my family.

I need to take it one month at a time and I know the first month will be the hardest. Especially since I will be living here. In the house that I'm visiting the first month. There are a crazy amount of animals living directly under my floor, the food is worse than terrible, and the latrine is bad. The worst I've seen yet. It's completely made of wood, open on one side, smells terrible, and is almost full. So it should get better from there and the entire time that I'm living with the families for the first 3 months I can work on my house.

When I step back and look at myself here I feel proud even though I haven't done anything yet. When I strip away the loneliness and the selfishness which I have to admit is hard, I see so many people that really need help. These people really do have nothing and they still smile every day. Ya the food sucks. That is because they can only afford to buy bags of rice and what comes from the trees. Ya the latrine is terrible, but how would one fix it? The girls' room that I took over has almost nothing in it. In fact the mom was able to move everything out of it in 5 minutes and I think most of that time was spent taking down the pink mosquito net. She has some posters in her room or what someone would call posters here. They are more like random clippings of newspapers or pamphlets she was handed in school that are unfathomable to her so she has put them up on her walls. There is a write up about a large marionette that someone built, the tops of the packaging of different toys that an aid group brought and that she grew out of, and an educational document showing the importance of getting the H1N1 vaccine. The strangest or saddest clipping on the wall has to be the ad for a new resort in Boquete. This ad is obviously directed at gringos and the pictures look amazing. So amazing that a little girl that lives in poverty only a mountain range away from it would put the ad up on her wall.

It's 7 at night and almost everyone is home now. The radio is on and the kids have lit the oil lamp and gathered around it. The station is a news station and is one of about 3 that actually come in. After the news a T.V. Soap opera comes on and I have to say that listing to them is not the same as watching. Especially since the women are so good looking on them. I do get to concentrate on my Spanish more which is good. Speaking of that, I my Spanish is definitely getting better. One of the kids had me read a story out of a book last night in Spanish and I was doing pretty good.

I know things will get better here as time goes and I need to hang in there. The first couple months will be the hardest. When all else fails I just put my headphones on and listen to my buddy Jack. The only thing I'm missing is my other buddy Jack. The kind I can drink.....